Things change so fast

**This post took legit 3 months to type.. I think i subconsciously didn't want to relive the memory but oh well.. sorry if the timeline seemed really spread out.

2 posts per year, that's pretty much the most you are probably going to get out of me at this point lol.  Also just a side note, this is the first blog post that I am typing from my mechanical keyboard which is 4 months plus old hehe. Currently using the Royal Kludge s98 Bluetooth mechanical keyboard. I have opted for the brown switch because I was using Von's old keyboard which was a blue key board and it was very clickity clackity, so decided to tone it down abit, but not too linear like the red key (which honestly after typing on this for 4 months, I might opt for a red key next). 

Anywayyy Its been pretty much half a year since my last update. Safe to say alot of things have changed. But sadly not really from my side, but my family side and how much it has changed everyone's lives mainly my mum and my sister who are constantly at home. Back in April, my dad was admitted to SJMC at first due to having a heart condition which, to be honest, until today I'm not sure if it was a STEMI or NSTEMI, cause obviously no one tells me these kind of things, and is hard to actually talk to any doctors when I'm like almost 1000km away. So yeah, he decided to go for a mini CABG after noting he had a multiple blocks on vessels, which I can't remember which ones it was. Of course, there is the conventional CABG where the surgeon cracks your ribs open and worked on the heart directly there. Then, can't remember which doctor decided to introduce my dad to a relatively new procedure in Malaysia with minimally invasive CABG, in which it was done pretty much laparoscopically per se? Which honestly was kinda cool. Obviously, my dad was keen on that as it was cosmetically better and technically faster healing.

He went through the operation under Dr Syafiq at KPJ Damansara. (who surprisingly out of all coincidences, turns out to be Far's cousin like, are u kidding me). Recovery was okay, he was still able to walk after that which is when I went to visit him in May when I headed back to Selangor. Then as I was picking something off the floor while he was sitting, i noted his right 5th toe was completely gangrenous. Obviously, my dad didn't tell anyone that he stubbed/hurt his toe like 2 weeks plus ago thinking it would heal on its own.  Dad being stubborn as he is, clearly ignored my pleas for him to visit the doctor. The toe was still at a dry gangrene stage at that point, so I wasn't worried about infectious per se, and I hoped for an auto amputation but that was me being optimistic. Needless to say after I went back to Sarawak, his toe became wet and it started to hurt.

Thinking that he just needed a simple Ray's amputation, I suggested PPUM as the treatment centre as my dad had dialysis and will need nephro support as well AKA private bills rack up real fast. Using my GL it would save a lot of money. Needless to say, the ED trip was on the slow side because which government hospital isn't overwhelmed as balls. However my dad in the end was diagnosed with acute limb ischaemia, and was admitted under vascular instead of ortho. Just so happened Sui Weng was part of vascular team then, and he helped update regarding my dad's condition from time to time. They did an angioplasty and managed to clear and restore most of the blood flow. Inevitably, my dad went through 4th and 5th digit amputation which started the nightmare. The bone culture ultimately grew like 4 bacterias which were resistant to alot of shit. So stayed on in UM for like 2 weeks of antibiotics, and put on vacuum dressing and sent home with vacuum dressing as well.

The foot wound actually healed quite well, but obviously, these few months have been quite tough on my dad and mum. Dad looked so much older and frail, but the attitude was still there hahaha, which my mum and sister were pretty much done with. Getting him to and fro dialysis was abit difficult but not impossible yet. Technically he could still walk, but pain control was an issue for him as he couldn't tolerate alot of conventional pain medications as he would vomit easily. So there was a challenge. When I was back noted, the shin part started to have cellulitc changes as well, I did ask my dad if he wanted to go to the doctor earlier than his appointment, but he was keen to sit and watch it out. Hence we had to let it brew again. Sure enough, next appointment he was directly admitted from the clinic itself, which was good in a way because he could skip the entire Emergency Department ordeal. But soon, 3rd toe was amputated as well, and another angioplasty was done to see the flow, which according to the vascular team was still good. The reason the wound on top was not healing well despite multiple debridements was due to the infective changes.

Before I go further on the wound not healing, as usual OT slots are hard to come by in the hospital. My dad being ESRF paitent with DM, technically should have been a priority case, but due to the infective (dirty) classification, his case was being pushed back as well. So comes an issue where my dad was fasted for a long period of time without IVD mind you (due to his ESRF status), which should have allowed him at least 1 pint maintenance for the day, but somehow that wasn't given. Fast, OT no slot, refast again. Dad had multiple hypoglycaemic times as well, which shoot D50 and thats it. Like the fluctuations of sugar is obviously not good for the brain. I dunno multiple times I questioned my dad's care plan from the vascular team which was pretty annoying.

Ok, back to the infective issue - osteomyelitis we call it. That part was causing the wound to not heal properly on the shin. So there was this long drawn-out discussion if a BKA was needed or not. Until the last debridement by the vascular team done at night, where they claim nothing much of debridement could be done anymore at that point due to it being so thin already, and the next layer would be tendon and bone. Right after that last debridement, my dad suddenly started having delirium. Like super acute onset, right after the operation. UM team blamed it on sepsis as my dad's septic markers were slowly increasing, but the whole event made me think is there a direct causal effect, like it happened RIGHT after the operation. Post sedation psychosis? Hypoglycaemia too much until there was some sort of cerebral oedema? I don't know. Took them lika a week before they decided to do a CT brain (which was upon my request through my mother) only they decided to do it. Fine, CT brain was pretty much clear, so no organic issues there per se, but still the speed of them doing stuff. Like my dad complaining of SOB / chest pain, sure vitals were OK, but at least do an ECG? Nope. Tried calling vascular oncall, unreachable. Whats the point of being oncall if ur unreachable? Dumb. So dumb. Definitely one part of me regretted sending him to UM. For the nurses, some are very good,  but most of them makes you feel like you are talking to the wall when you talk to them. It's so frustrating to be honest.

Then now because of this delirium issue, I had to take some short emergency leaves and shift some oncalls to fly back to see my dad and have a family discussion with the vascular team. It was so short notice hence I had to buy some expensive tickets around 500 plus, flying the first time to Subang from Kuching which was definitely fun. Then, parked at ChongLin, no maxim, no grab to pick me up to the airport. Panicked and drove myself to the airport. Had to park at the airport. It was either that or risk missing my flight. Sure enough the parking cost me RM96 in the end LOL, and cash only which sucked so much. Anyway, seeing my dad being confused and delirious like that, yeah it hurt. Not gonna lie, I thought I was pretty much dead inside, but I realized most of the time I just wall off feelings and shove them inside. I mean definitely, I am more heartless now compared to when I was much younger, but yeah still a soft spot for my parents always. Was pretty quiet after visiting my dad for the first time, even my sister noticed it. 

My dad was really not keen on doing a BKA, as he felt like he was being rushed into the decision. This was what we could get out of him in like that few minutes of sanity. If not he would be plucking things off the air, talking to non existent people and passing random objects to us to throw.. But then geri psych came and assessed him as well and deemed him not fit to making consent, so in the end we had to proceed with the decision for BKA for him, and I took reigns and proceeded with it, cause it was a life saving procedure so u know, life before limb. However, the BKA could only be carried out after I have left back to Simunjan which is a giant pity tbh. So I followed up on my dad (thinking back it wasn't as much as I should have. Guess another one of life's biggest guilts.

Long story short, he did improve by a lot after the BKA in which means that big bulk of the source has already been cleared, partially due to the psychological blockade of whether he should or shouldn't do the BKA. So there's the thing. But the wound wasn't healing very well, and again it was another talk of do we continue with the dressing or go higher up to do an AKA. At that point I left it up to my dad cause apparently when he was abit delusional, he would say that my mum was the one who made him do it, cause she was the one who signed the consent form for the BKA, hence it was really traumatizing for my mum to go through as well. Me, being from the medical field naturally didn't care that much about it cause I knew that he didn't mean it. Of course, it was harder for my mum who literally stayed at the hospital for months just to take care of my dad. 

I think another month passed and then my dad was starting to not do so well anymore. His psych kinda went downhill again and I mean he is homesick. He wants to go home but the antibiotics and all its just hard for him to go home... Plus the logistics of it, like I wasn't home so it was hard for anyone to carry him around seeing that u know, he is an amputee now. Its difficult. Sure the regret is there really not to bring him home now retrospectively, my dad hasn't been home for the past 4 months... Meanwhile I was kinda enjoying myself here and there in Sarawak... Not a great son.. A lot of things I could have done more to be honest and it's another one of those regrets that will likely stay with me for a very long, long, time. 

So yeah, my dad basically deteriorated in condition and had to warrant for an ICU admission. Luckily he was attended by my friend Wong who just so happened to be oncall that night. He messaged me and updated me the condition of my dad and did prep me to come back soon. Which I tried to come back ASAP. By the time I actually got back my dad was already transferred to ICU, basically thinking his condition was bad and that time was already on CPAP/BiPAP I can't rmb clearly now and he was pretty drowsy. So many family conferences, with vascular, with ICU team, sadly now I can't really remember the Prof's names but oh well.. Guess it didn't really matter in the end. The Anaes MOs were pretty helpful and in the end we decided to continue with one last-ditch effort with elective intubation. Then somehow it came to a point where did we want to proceed with AKA as well, since my dad was intubated and his condition was somewhat stabilizing... In the end is all about source control, and i mean his CRP was all improving but the wound was still not healing.. Same thing again, trying to get an answer out of my dad was near impossible. Although he did signal to my mum before this that he was done already.. but it was never really conclusive and it was really really difficult for us to make a decision. Do at least got better chance of survival I felt... So I opted for the AKA since pain management would be better since he was intubated.

Until today I still don't know if that was the correct decision, the only way to know is ask my dad myself when I die.. that is if there is something after we die.. and not like reincarnation or just more hell and suffering.. I don't know anymore lol.. Yeah but after that I had to fly back to Simunjan after making the decision for the AKA.. Not long after the anaest MO called me again to update me and recommended that I head back.. That was pretty much the final week that I had to go back.. Family conference for the DIL/NAR status after extubation.. then dad wasn't strong enough to expel all the sputum from his lungs.. It was really sad... Imagine drowning in all that thick mucus and you just don't have the power to expel it... Then added on he had a DIVC episode, difficult vascular access for his HD that required IR intervention x2... Like.. dear lord he suffered alot near the end... After a week, dad finally transferred out to a normal ward, in which we were referred to palliative dr as well.

Dad only stayed in the normal surgical ward for one night... Then slowly could see he wasn't doing well... Wish we could get that 回光返照 moment that I saw when I'm working... but sadly that wasn't meant to be cause my dad's GCS was just so poor... Lastly the MO called us while we were driving to the hospital that my dad was critically ill.. hence sped to UM and dropped my mum first before I headed up to the ward.. Called my sisters and asked them to get here ASAP... It was hard cause they were coming from different parts of KL altogether so it was rushed. My mum and I were lucky to be there when my dad's heart finally stopped, which my 2nd sis just barely missed and my eldest sis missed it cause the jam timing was just bad. I don't know if it was lucky or not.. Wong was the one that was oncall that night as well to pronounce my dad's death... So it was his name on the burial permit which I guess helps? I don't know.. At that moment definitely sad, but I held it together, because I was really really finally relieved for my dad that he was done. Done with life and done with all the sufferings. Just sad that he didn't get to enjoy the life that he wanted after working so hard for us and he didn't even get to properly enjoy. Sure we are a family with many flaws but I still love my dad with all my dear heart. Retrospectively I definitely could have done more as a son while my dad spent like a good 3 months in the hospital.. Sending him to PPUM might be my biggest regret. End of point. Not going to elaborate further on that but I feel guilty. Guilty as charged.

Dad if ur still reading my blog, or if you actually knew that I have a blog... I love you. I'm sorry that I wasn't a great son leading up to the ultimate end. I know ur happy to see me whenever I came back to visit and I'm sorry when I go home to visit it's always not in the best of circumstances. I'm sorry I didn't call back as much as I could instead of lazing around in my room in Simunjan. I'm sorry that I didn't think on the best interests of ur health on certain decisions. I'm sorry I made the call to proceed with the BKA, and AKAs even though I don't really know if those were your wishes or not. I'm sorry that I may not be able to become a specialist as you wished I could. I'm just sorry that in the end it turned out this way and I wished I could do so much more to help with all the pain and suffering you went through. I will always love you, always and forever and you will be the great dad that lifted me through my education even when you had so little education yourself. You're amazing and I really hope you are enjoying yourself now that you can't feel anymore pain. Love you till forever daddy. <3

Sweet memories to last

Inactiveness is real on this blog lol. 2 posts this year only, with one of it being a ridiculous rant lol. I guess after the ranting sessions I just kinda gave up on blogging for a while, and focused alot on myself and life in general. So here for the final review of 2023 posted in 2024 (The plan was actually to complete this by the end of 2023, but Mr Procrastination punched me in the head).

It has now been a whole year passed in Simunjan, a year of leaving home to work far far away, while still being paid about the same as when I was working in Sungai Buloh, so who said people earn more working in East Malaysia? Lel. Really, it's not much of a diff at all. So in general I go home every 3-4 months just to refuel on Semenanjung food especially around Klang Valley cuz our food is like amazing, not to say I don't enjoy the food here but it gets really repetitive here. Like there are no good banan leaf rice places, no curry mee stalls, no wantan mee (saddest of em all), but you get like really nice Sarawak Laksa, Kolo Mee (which I'm slowly getting sick of, minus the vinegary one in Kuching town), Lei Cha, and ayam penyet is nice here too (probably cause we are so near to Indonesia). Alot has happened in the year I really hope I manage to list most of it down as my memory slowly starts to fade.

Starting with family, WE HAVE A NEW ADDITION IN THE FAMILYYYY, presenting Mikaela Siau my first niece and the first grandchild of my parents muahaha. Cutie looks a lot like my brother-in-law tbh haha. With her arrival, my father is actually happier la I feel, since it has been a tough few years for him with his health condition and all, but glad to see him slightly more cheerful. Got to go back and see that lil girl like when she is 2 months old, hehe clearly showed how bad I was at holding little kids, had to be educated by my sister and mother xD But its so much work to have a child tho, sometimes it makes you really think do you really want to have a child. I mean I completely understand why current couples don't want to have children / that many children. The cost of it, the work that goes into it especially that both parents are working (in this community, its like almost a must). Well, if a couple decides to have a child, both sides will need to pick up the workload for sure. Mother side will be really tired from breastfeeding and bonding with the child, and the husband will have to do the job around the house as well as taking care of the mother. It can get stressful for sure, not to mention my mum has to take care of Mikaela when the parents are working also. Fuhhh, say one thing positive about my niece and on goes to like a full rant about having kids. HAHA, cray cray. Anyway, looking forward to further annoy my niece when I'm back then wahahaha. I'm still learning to take more time to call home just to ask how my parents are but I don't know if its because I've left home for too long, sometimes feels like im too lazy to call home, like I have to find the motivation to do it. It likely is just bullshit for me being annoying and lazy, and the fact that my family won't be with me forever, so definitely have to spend as much time as possible. One of the new year things to do as well.

Secondly, career/work. Been a UD43 MO here in Simunjan for a full year now. Met some nice seniors but some already left to go to private / tertiary hospitals. Meanwhile, I'm taking little baby steps while not even sure on what exactly I want to do with my life. Started off the year being O&G Liaison officer, hence was doing quite a bit of O&G stuff. Doing Caesars with my pengarah Dr Nora on a 1/2 monthly basis. Initially is like quite gungho to do it, but after a while it's like are you sure? HAHAHA Joined alot of O&G courses through the year as well (more obs than gynae), then prepared myself and took the MEDEX exam for O&G, got a lucky Band 5 HAHA. Still remembered I burst out laughing at home when I saw the results, cause it was like super unexpected. Initially, I started my prep quite well but I think the fire fizzled out after a while, then it reignited, so it definitely wasn't fantastic. The regret was definitely not applying HLP this year because i heard that you have to be a MO at least 2 year  to qualify for HLP. Eiswaren (MO O&G Serian who helped me so much for Medex as well) did tell me to just apply, but my mind was torn between really committing for O&G and leaving for NZ. O&G may be 'fun' in district hospital cause the less stress and you can just send the slightly riskier cases to a tertiary hospital. Also the fact that your SN, JM have good experience minus the bitchy attitude some hospital's labour room staff has. It's generally much more enjoyable to work here. Things can't be said with the horde of pregnant mothers in tertiary hospitals, and the stress of rounding with some malignant specialists / consultants. Just don't think I can get used to that again lol. 

PLUS, also the fact that Mun Hon did kinda get in my head about going to NZ for work. So far Michelle, Jin Ji, Tia and husband have already immigrated to NZ to work there, all in the same hospital, with Denzel and wife following suit in a few months. It does have much better financial prospects for sure, not to mention cooling weather and ?nicer people. Ok maybe the nicer people part I'm not super sure, but generally working conditions testimonial seems to be better la. Just u know road to ?specialization of what, is like questionable, and the fact that tax is high, NZ might be boring, and the fact that I have to start all over again, it's all like.. are you sure you wanna go? I'm getting somewhat adequate training here, although I myself not really putting in full effort to improve myself pun, cause I'm a lazy bugger. It will take some money and some commitment to move over for sure. My point was thinking that I'm already far from home but getting paid the same when I was in HSB, might as well I go to NZ since there is nothing much holding me here anyway. Decisions, decisions, decisions....

Life is never easy to plan. Whatever we may have planned before may not even work out in the end. Which comes to the last update, relationship wise. Officially I'm single, keen to get back in the game? Honestly I don't know what am I doing in life. Not finding anyone in this small area, but I still have been keeping in touch with Far all these while, with on and off communication downtimes in between. Thing was abit of an up and down in between. We went out once near CNY, and the feeling was really awks I felt, cause everyone was trying to control themselves not to cross the line. Then, the next time we met in JB was definitely better. Things were more relaxed, I went to her place and just hung out and watched that MH17 documentary with her, tried her cooking haha, was definitely a much better experience. Then it was just on-and-off communication until somehow I managed to convince her to come to Kuching to find me hahaha, secretly. Of course, we couldn't tell anybody about it cause it was hard to explain to everyone else. It's abit on the taboo side. It was a very fun 3 days (Fri-Sun), like brought her around Kuching, Bau and then Simunjan for a while as well. Started off being more reserved, but soon it warmed up, and i think things started kicking off from there as well. Lots of good memories were made hehe. I started planning to go meet her in a return trip to JB, which eventually happened in Nov which escalated things abit further. We explored whatever there is to explore in JB including a city park which was quite fun, went to a hill expecting a good hike but it was actually closed to public so we caught The Marvels instead which was subpar at best. Although to be honest we hardly went anywhere really interesting, most of the time was spent together, so that was the most important, just us hanging out everywhere hehe. It was our second time in JB together technically, and there really isn't that much to do in JB tbh. It was a short 3-4 days trip and we honestly thought it would be the last trip we would do together because she had quit KKM and was going to move back to KL.. so she was doing locum around JB.

Hearing that she quit and was doing locum, to be honest, it didn't seem too bad of an idea, like the money was quite okay, but I guess the rate kinda differs when ur in JB and when ur in KL. In KL the rate kinda feels like its static, like its not that worth it la. Here in Kuching I dunno Im not sure the rate is better or not, but its like 2 hours from where I live, so the cost likely will outweigh whatever I earn, not counting the mileage of the car.

Sidetracked. HAHA ok yeah we thought it would be our last trip, but it turns out she was moving back in January instead, so I tried to cramp another trip in before going back and we managed to do it in January, where we did a challenge-filled trip to KK. Things started off abit bumpy because Air Asia decided to cancel BOTH my flights like are ye freakin kidding me, giving me the next flight which was the next morning mind you. Like do you not have any regard to people's plans like hotel booking and stuff, the worse part is you can't actually claim anything from them as they give you these free flight changes, which was quite limited as I have to take into account the airport is 2 HOURS away from Simunjan, which makes a lot of their flights inaccessible. So I had no choice but to let her stay for a night on her own cause there was literally no way around it. Booked our hotel and all literally one day before all that shit happened as well. Just the biggest annoyance ever. 

Secondly, the weather while we were there wasn't the best to be honest. I did try my best to bring her up to Kundasang to catch a glimpse of  Mount Kinabalu cuz that's like the most important thing to see imo. While we were there, believe it or not we didn't even make it to the sunset bar (not like I was going to let her drink or anything) but its like u know, one of the highlights of going KK, and seemingly she spent so much money to go to KK I feel like I didn't do the best work of bringing her around. Few regrets la, first thing was the sunset bar, then second thing was after bringing her up to Kundasang, walao cloudy as shit. Went to DESA farm and wanted to recreate the photo which I took few years ago when I went with Mean and Hon, but walao, reach there like gonna rain like that (which it actually did, pretty hard I might add. It was kinda cute that she couldn't stand the cow smells HAHAHA, but she did enjoy the gelato which Im happy hehe.. We saw some cows from afar, took some photos and then left. Initially wanted to go to the alpaca farm but after re-reading the reviews macam hmmm, nah. So we scoured around Kundasang and the area to see where else we can go and just chill. We ended up going to some rabbit ass farm HAHAA. I mean it was fun to go and take some pictures, but it was like scam weih HAHAHA. Basically there is a package for all 4 "spots" compared to just the rabbit park, is only like a few ringgit diff. After taking the whole "package", basically the one that is most worth it is the rabbit one only. One of it is like SKY garden and to be honest you could get in without paying for it LOL. The other one is a "cemetery" for the cats, rabbits in the place that passed HAHA, and then one of it is like a cat sanctuary, im not keen on getting mawled by cats so we just watched from outside. Rabbits were cute tho hehe. After that we left and had to rest abit at KK park cause guess who was too tired. Tried Sinalau Bakas (to realize that wild boars were pretty much non existent anymore, so they replaced it with normal pork, obviously I ate this alone.) and went to buy tickets for the islands the next morning.

I'm not sure as to why the island trip didn't feel as satisfying as it did the last time I went. 5 years kinda feel like alot of difference. We got the snorkelling masks as part of the "package", but was so disappointed when one of it was leaky the entire time, so the hope to like snorkel together and see things together was like poofed. Plus, for some reason there really weren't that many fishes, well definitely less than what I remember last time. Obviously, it felt like a letdown, also the fact that she wanted to go seawalking at first, but didn't know these people only dealt in cash so I couldn't sign us up. ALSO, not long after we reached the second island (we went to Manukan and Mamuntik), it started raining, harder and harder. Like we had to find shelter at the jetty area cause it was just madness. We did consider to continue snorkelling after that or just head back, lastly we decided to head back to get some food cause it was getting cold. Another way the weather FUCKED IT ALL UP haha. On the plus side, I managed to get her to try Sanna Mee which was a big YAY!! Glad she liked it haha the soup is always delish and especially during a rainy day is always a big big plus. Those were just some of the experiences we had there, other than that some first memories were unlocked so was definitely a big plus, just wish I could have been a better condition cause I was always tired the entire trip. Like it was so hard to rest my body properly I don't even know why. I was getting cramps and being tired. like why. WHYYY. Sure driving postcall to catch a flight at 6am in Kch was not great to start it off. Swear I thought I was dying or something with this chronic tiredness z, affected my trip by quite a bit tbh.

Think thats all that is caught up to date kot, this post was supposed to be posted way earlier but guess who managed to screw it up all the way till March. To be honest could be posted a heck a lot earlier but February was like a very bittersweet month. Started off quite well but then was so sick and tired of being in general ward (till April mind you). Like the patients, the staff, it gets so tiring. I seriously wonder how come I wanted to be a medical specialist preivously. Working now closely with the physicians in Serian, Im like no way im gonna be a physician. Maybe being an MO in O&G for 9 months completely changed me. Always remember back to the day we rounded with Dr Samantha into medical to see a referred patient, and there was like ongoing resuscitation or something and she turned to me like, u sure u wanna do medical? HAHAA kinda miss my O&G HSB days, where it was so comfortable working with everyone there. Anyway really stuck it together till I flew back to Selangor for CNY. Flew back early to join the reunion dinner but my aunt got TB so that was cancelled HAHA, and i was still like half fever no fever liddat. Met up with Far again and went to discover the first roadside uniqlo which was NOTHING EXCITING AT ALL HAHA. One week break was definitely more than welcomed and it was anything but enough. Came back, indirectly caused a patient's passing and got quite dejected, so thats a M&M and a half hour phone call lecture by the physician. Not great for the mental health. Have to bounce back one way or another...

I guess thats all I have to update for now, till next time hehe, I'll see if i can add some photos later. Peace out ghosts who read this blog HAHA <3

Rant. Look away.

The only reason why I'm writing this here is because I'm at a place that I'm not comfortable with and I need a place to rant and I don't have anyone so here it is. Read it for all I care, laugh at it for all I care. I just need a place to rant cause I'm feeling like a huge pile of crap :)

Here I am in Simunjan. 6 months after our break... Yes, the relationship that honestly made me the happiest guy for the past year that made my housemanship life more bearable. I don't think it's a secret that we have still been talking after our split but remained friends. We did struggle with holding a line in the beginning and let's be honest the first time we met up after our break up was probably a bit on the awkward side as we could both feel that we had so much more to say to each other but the circumstances just weren't right. Then, we slowly went on, had a few times of radio silence as well, and cold replies from her. It felt bad, it really did but things somehow always worked out in the end. 

I even met up with her when I went to Johor with my sister in March. Honestly, that was a day that was really amazing. At least it was for me. We spent almost the whole day together and talked, and talked, and talked. Everything was right for that small amount of time, things were just great. Since then I decided to just blur the line and got a bit more closer as we used to. Of course with a lot more restrictions than we were together.

At the beginning of April, she did mention how this was getting really confusing for her. Think this was partially my fault ever since I blurred the line. I cared for Far, I really did, and I just wanted her to be happy. Lastly, I knew I couldn't be the person to do so, no thanks to every single goddamn obstacle there in this god-forsaken country (I'm bitter right now, bite me) Everyone was out to get me, the society, the country, the laws, my family. It's not easy. It wasn't easy at all, but I was happy. I really was. Anyway, back to the story. She needed time alone to deal with things so of course I agreed to back off. Not wholeheartedly but what can I do? I have to stop forcing her to do things my way. I feel like I've been doing that for the past year plus. I'm selfish that way. So yeah, reluctantly we agreed for things to be dealt with her way. Which is to straight up cut off communications.

We stopped talking for a good 3 weeks? Intermittently definitely I still check back on her socials, just to get an idea on how she was. Obviously being in 2023, we like to tweet cryptically and indirectly, so being an overthinker as well doesn't help. Kept thinking if anything and everything was about me. Let's be honest. The world doesn't revolve around me. She may really be better off not talking to me. It just gets so frustrating. So many things you want to share but you just can't. I respected the space, although I told myself that I would contact her again during Raya, just to wish her and hope to hear something from her again. I tell you it's the hope that kills you.

Fast forward to 22/4/2023. 1 Syawal has arrived. I was oncall that night, and I took the time off to write what I felt and honestly, I tried to include as much of my thought into that message. Sadly the first draft got deleted because I was still busy at the moment in ETD, and couldn't save the initial draft, got lost somewhere on my clipboard. Hence I retyped it and made sure that it wasn't crossing any lines, just really heartfelt words. Of course, I sent this knowing that there is a chance that she may not reply, but I really hoped that she did. I sent it around 12am because that was the only time that I was free, yet after my call ended I still didn't get a reply. I gave up hope. For her sake, I gave up waiting for a reply. So I tried to distract myself. Was still tired beyond all reason, but I followed some Ganesh and Putri and Lim out to do some Raya visiting because that was pretty much the only way I was going to distract myself (although that would mean immersing myself into more Malay culture, wtf was I thinking I don't know. I just kinda went with it (post-call brain as well). I came home from all the Raya visiting and passed out at home. By the time I woke up, she had replied around 7pm. It was... formal. I respected it, I knew it won't be as heartwarming as I thought it would be but hey, I told myself I tried, and it's not fair for me to expect her to reply passionately because that was the initial plan, to give space. I tweeted a bit just to let out my feelings a bit...

Her WhatsApp started off with a picture but after our talk to hold any more communications, the picture went down. It took me some time to unpin her from my WhatsApp too, but I did. For the next 2 days of Raya I was really feeling quite sad, to be honest. Sad that everything ended this way, but nothing can prepare me for what happened today. 

After some usual cryptic tweets back and forth. I did post a tweet saying that I know she will be alright because I do. Far is a strong woman who has been through a lot in life, much more than a lot of people have and she still stands strong and walks on and thinks for her family. I admire her a lot for that. The next thing I knew, thunder struck down on my earth and instantly shattered whatever emotional stability I had. She deleted/inactivated her twitter, Instagram. It was just gone. The reel that we made, gone. The tweets that I could try to keep track of her with, gone. My link to her across the bloody south china sea, gone. I was lost. I legit was shaking, palpitations happening, and honestly felt like I could break down right there and then if it wasn't because I had company at the moment. I just couldn't believe it so I kept refreshing the pages over and over again, hoping to God that it was a glitch. It was not. It's gone. FUCK. JUST FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK. I just wanted to scream at the world and fling whatever across the room. I don't know why I can't accept it. It hurts, it just hurts to be in this situation. I promised her I would give her space, but this was abit too much to take. Maybe the cryptic tweets got too much for her to feel as well, so she decided to step away from soc med, which to be honest did cross my mind before as well, but now that it happened, I'm disconnected in Simunjan this godforsaken place. Alone with my own thoughts.

Additional stab to the heart, the playlist that she made of us when we broke up? It was gone. I turned on Spotify, and a noticeable emptiness in my playlists was heartwrenching. I'm currently at home, staring at my blog just typing whatever shit comes to my mind. 

I'll end this now while I go scream at a pillow until I'm tired and pass out I guess. Farzainin, I know you will be fine because I still have that much faith in you. You do you and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, I'll be okay after a while, but it just hurts so much right now. I just hope you come back to soc med sooner or later because I want you to feel normal again. This is the 2nd death of JF❤ and knowing what life has in store for me, it's the final death of it with no resurrection in sight. Will we ever see each other again? I hope to the heavens there will be, but as of now? No hope. Eid family/couple photos aren't helping either. I hate myself and I wish to drown myself momentarily if I can. Goodnight peeps, fuck the world

2022 WRAPPPEDDDD

 Seems like everyone is doing a wrapped, starting from Spotify, then Steam, then... I can't list anymore examples HAHAHA. So hi my dustbunny readers, although I bet no one else is actually reading this right now, but whatever, I feel like I owe myself to wrap up this blog this year since I kind of feel like alot of things has happened this year. Come to think of it, I think it is unlikely I will wrap up back from January. I think I've been summarizing everytime I wrote in my blog this year anyway so this should probably cover from August onwards to now, which now that I type it out, feels like a long 4 months to cover and post tonight (seeing its already 7.49pm now and I'm actually oncall LOLOL) Hence I'll be focusing only on a certain few aspects la hor (doesn't really matter anyway since I bet no one is reading this anymore anyways hehe)

Rewind back to early October, I was inserting an Implanon for a patient when my phone was buzzing like crazy, which only meant one thing, the list for placements are out. Calmly cleaning up my stuff, I washed my hands as I thought hard, where could it be, would I be disappointed or excited if I got East Malaysia.. Truth is, even I don't know. So, I keyed in my IC number into the website, and honestly my gut feeling was right, Sarawak here I come. Asked in the group, pretty much almost everyone got Sarawak as well, so I guess the flight there won't be so alone I guess. The next few weeks after the announcement was like a ticking time bomb ready to go off, just that now the timer has finally surfaced. Especially for my relationship world, things were about to dive down really fast. As Dr Strange mentioned, we are in the end game now... So to sum up the whole Sarawak placement huuhaa in October, appeals were made and the arrangement for the final oncall month was made. We don't lapor diri until the 31st of October anyway (great date btw), so we still had plenty of time to fit our oncall quota for the month. The month was pretty much filled with goodbyes and trying to not stir shit up in ur last month honestly. Meanwhile, the appeal process of the placement is honestly quite shit, we appealed like 2-3 days right after the link was posted and we just had to sit and wait.. until like 1 week prior to lapor diri, can u believe how last minute it was? LOL let's not forget the OTHER last minute thing HSB / KKM put us up to. 

It's been 2 months now and I still don't know who to blame for this situation. OK let's get abit more detailed for this. So, after knowing we are going to Sarawak, the rest of them are basically desparate to find ANY other alternative than Sarawak, mainly Ain (cuz she is married duh), and Beckie cause let's face it she is WAY more of a city kid than I ever will be (ironic that I'm the Subang kid). So names were sent to Hospital Tanjung Karang, and also Dr Chopra basically helped us by asking us to put our names for H. Cyberjaya which was opening soon and Dr Hana was going over as the new HOD (who I really like as well). I didn't give my name to HTK because let's be fair it's super far lol. It's not Sarawak far but still, 1 hour plus drive to and fro everyday? (excluding jam mind you), no thank you... if i have to rent around there then might as well go to Sarawak? I dunno la I feel la HAHA. I did sign up for the cyber one tho cause I felt it would be pretty cool to go to a new hospital and be a pioneer.

**Yeah, by the time I managed to see patients, it was already the new year, hence I actually gave up on this for a while, and here I am finishing it up after a week into the new year LUL

So yes, back to the Cyber story hehe. 2 weeks before our report date, our specialist shared a list in the group chat, which basically was "pencalonan" for H. Cyberjaya, and in O&G, all of us floaters' names were in. At that point loads of congratulations messages were floating around in the group, but I just had a bad hunch about that pdf letter, due to word pencalonan... The other floaters were basically happy already and I'm still the only person being emotionless. First of all, I didn't know what to feel about it as to be honest at that point my mind was already made up to go to Sarawak, and god knows which part of Sarawak I'll end up in, but as my seniors said, I might learn alot there. If I were really to end up in Cyberjaya, the main clientele over there would definitely be mainly VIPs (Dahlah is O&G, naturally they would be expecting the best of the best of care haha). Plus I was still quite doubtful of my skills back then. Working in O&G for 7 months, surprisingly I didn't get that many 2nd calls (which was labour room) and most of it was 1st,3rd and 4th calls (Ward, IOL, referral), with the ocassional 5th call. (Gynae). Therefore, I had like a mini fear of being called to attend labours, cause I wasn't confident with my perineal repairs as well. Thirdly, I was on a date when I received that news, and I did share it to Far, I couldn't really read her emotions at that point but it did seem she was happier than me.

Hence, after the news was announced, work went on as usual, and we were still waiting on further updates or a confirmed letter from KKM. Going into the last week of October, still no news. at that point, most of us have already started our week-long AL to prepare to come to  Sarawak (Or Cyberjaya). Up until Thursday, we contacted KKm and JKNS again, the final consensus was no one knew what was going on. Not KKM, not JKNS. After seeing on Instagram that my friend in NS had gotten the letter to go to H. Cyberjaya, I concluded that we didn't got in in the end. It was all just a big empty wish. Shared the news in the group and all of us finally got our shit together and bought the tickets and hotels in Kuching. It was so stressful to pack everything in 2 days and also having to plan a nice farewell dinner with Far. Because this wasn't just farewell, it was the end of the verbal contract, it was the end of us as an exclusive couple. It sucked. It really awfully sucked. After having a bit of heated arguments at home, i had to reschedule my final day's date with Far so many times and finally put it to a split date. One in the afternoon and one after dinner just to maximize the remaining time that I had with her. Being a guy, I could pack really fast as to be honest there wasn't much to pack. I was about 95% packed going into Friday afternoon.

28/10/2022. The bittersweet ass date. We started by having her come over to Subang and I drove both of us down to Mutiara Damansara for Oiso :) Knew how much she liked that place and it seemed right that we just had that for our lunch date. The nice thing was Harvey Norman was nearby hence I could sneak there to print out some photos that I needed for our scrapbook together. This past year plus was honestly great having her around for moral support, and just getting each other through tough times and sharing the happy moments. The scrapbook was meant to be my final gift to her as a thank you momento for being forced to agree to be in our controversial contract relationship. However, it wasn't smooth as...
1. I procrastinated alot near October, partially was just being in denial that I didn't want it to end (although this whole thing was my idea in the first place, hypocrit much?). 
2. The photo printing process wasn't that smooth. First of all, Harvey Norman (HN from now on), decided that 60 cents is too cheap for too long and recently raised their price to 1.50 per 4R picture (which threw away the original amount of photos that I wanted to print, and trust me, there were alot). Secondly, when I went for the first time to print in HN Ikano, I didn't know that they only could print JPEG photos, so all iphone pictures and my Samsung photos weren't available as choices to be printed. THIRDLY, which probably was the most infuriating one, the printer at HN Ikano had issues. I told Far while we were at Oiso that I had to go to the toilet while I went to HN to process the photos. Because of the printer it took so long for the photos to come out. Then, when they did the first time around, the colours were quite badly distorted, with one particular photo being an issue. They did ask me to check through the rest of it, but as I sneaked out, I didn't manage to really check through it, only after did I realize there were some where the edges had really badly distorted colours, which was a real mood killer. Obviously it meant I didn't have enough photos to complete the scrapbook before 29th (which was the date of my flight)

Yeah so mainly these 2 reasons. More the photos to be fair. Hence I had to make an extra plan in Sarawak to get the scrapbook done. Back to the date, we finished our lunches (she had the Korean spicy soup while I had the cold noodles), and she accompanied me back to Sungai Buloh to pass up my oncall claim (much important) and then we headed back for now. I finished what's left of my packing and had dinner with my parents, the final one before my flight. We agreed to watch Black Adam as our midnight movie (cause let's be honest nothing else interesting was on the cinema list). She came around 11pm while I brought along the chips that we bought in the afternoon. Back to Sunway Pyramid, where we had our first date, and now we end it off in the Lion shopping centre again :) I insisted on the couple seat and I was so happy that we got it. We had the centre couch, where there were 2 other couples on either end of the row. Right as the movie started the couple on the right left abruptly which was super weird, but meant more privacy for us. It was the last night. I couldn't care less on JAKIM or whatever asshole religious cop. I held her tight in my arms halfway into the movie and she melted into my arms. It was nice, warm, peaceful, and melancholy, all mixed into one pot. Calming was the ultimate word to be used to describe how it was. Time like this I just wished for the clock to just freeze, everyone stop moving and just stay. I'm gonna miss this, I'm gonna miss this. Sure it's a once in a lifetime thing, cause this will never happen ever again, me with a Malay girl in public, dating, , just really enjoying each other's presence, especially Far..  I dunno. It's just special with her. Words can't describe really. At that point, you just kinda wished for the movie to last for a year. So that we never have to leave that couch, that moment. Honestly, these all are all abit hardbreaking to type back because I still wish that I could rewind time, and the current situation I'm in? Don't feel very healthy let's put it this way. 

Needless to say, the movie did have to end, and we were one of the few last ones to leave. We headed straight to her car, didn't really stop by anywhere else. That's when I showed her the box of brick flower that I brought along. We wanted to find somewhere to hang out first and build that flower together. So we drove, closer and closer we got to my home... I suggested Family Mart as well, but who knew their 24H was just a big ass scam. So lastly we headed back out to find a mamak in SS15 or something. Was still quite crowded, too crowded for our liking so in the end we settled to being in the car. Parked near the square, with good enough lighting opposite a lamppost just to have nice vision and not to get into any shitty trouble with the asshole authorities. Then, we slowly made our flower :) Piece by piece I handed it to her because I wanted her to build it, and yes we slowly built it wonderfully. The final product was as lovely as I thought it would be. After that, it was just moments of thanking each other, and the never-ending embrace. The embrace spoke volumes, more than any word can carry. I felt her tears slowly seeping onto my shirt, not that I give a damn at all. I wanted to cry but guess who was too emotionally blocked. I felt so sad. I didn't wanna go. Yet my damn brain decided that crying was bad. I just held her in my arms. Savouring the seconds that pass, knowing I have to board a plane real soon, and that was it... We talked and hugged and talked and hugged. I wasn't ready... so we changed a place to really near home, (a street right in front of home) and killed the engine and just took the momemnt just for the two of us, filling in the last parts of our memories together. A question was popped and it will be something I'm sure we will both remember for the rest of our lives. Won't disclose it here. It was then time. I had to go now.. Had to wake up in a few hours already... With a very HEAVY ASS HEART, I took her gift in my hands, one last hug.. and I was out of her car, for the last time I guess...

Next few hours were hard. I updated her of every step in the airport, even after waving goodbye to my mum and sister who graciously took their time to send me to the airport hehe :)) I miss my family as well, the nice thing to be able to rant whenever or just simply check on whatever they're doing. I mean most of the time I'm actually in my room anyway playing games, just u know, definitely nice to know that I can kacau anytime hehe. Sounds selfish I know. Sis bought McFlurry at the hidden McD spot now lol and then I went off to go through security. Each step seemed harder to go, but I had to move on... When I finally boarded the plane, dear lord. The tears came. It seems like I'm only capable of crying in public transport places. Thank goodness the seat beside me was empty. I pulled my new Tommy Hilfiger cap further down to hide my face, and I kept on sobbing. 1 year plus of close relationship, haiz.. gone. I know it's stupid to complain. People who read this post are definitely thinking that it's stupid that I'm even crying or something since this was completely my own doing, like why feel sorry for this idiot? Meh, thats why I mainly do it here. Cause I know no one else is going to read this sad piece of crap. Yeah, managed to get through the flight and landed in Kuching, and headed straight to my hotel, meeting up with Shing Li there. Got some sojus to kinda mellow through the night and that was the chill part of it I guess.  

Next few days were just basically chilling around Kuching, until the report day in JKNS. Went there along with a few others who were staying nearby. To be honest at that point, I didn't evne know if I wanted to go to a hospital or a KK. Sarawak is just so big, you really don't know where you might end up lol. Lundu is where I know Chris is so that's like a plus if I get to be put there. Lastly, they did this weird one by one announcement like in the hunger games, where they announced your name first, and then told where were you headed. Obviously with my surname being Y, I had to wait quite a while, in the meantime listening to where my friends all ended up, Nadia got PJ HUS, Shing got Sri Aman, Syabana ended up with SGH after some hard work xD, Wong ended up in SGH as well (no surprises there), I saw someone filming themselves getting the news and I was like hey, why don't I do that, must be fun HAHA. Completely did not regret doing it HAHAA. 

MC: Yeo Chun Huay.
*Raises Hand*
MC: Hospital Simunjan
*Obvious blur ass face*
It's near Samarahan
*More blurness*
*Just nod and look away* Hahahahaha

Yeah immediately whipped out my google Maps to find out where is it. Was like hey, it's near Kuching! Then when you put on directions, it's like 2 hours. be like eh? Not very near la HAHAHA. Too used to Semenanjung where that distance can be connected by a highway, making the trip probably ~1H? Here is bad lel. Because of the windy roads. Okay, now that I've got the place, I still don't know how I feel. Do I wanna switch with someone else? Think there was someone from Sri Aman actively asking to change place, but do I really wanna switch to somewhere further from Kuching hmm.. Lastly didn't want the blame to be on me instead of JKNS, hence decided to stick with it, although got me worried as I don't remember hearing anyone else getting this place lel. So after the name calling, we will have to go into the office where they will let you know what to expect and the contact number of the pengarah and all. I then asked how many people were going over, luckily there were 3 others, including one other who was my batch from HSB. Then the next problem was finding how to get there. Searched online that there was a bus but it reaches at 12am... like... wtf. So desperately I tried to find the other person so that we can I dunno share a Grab there? (which costs close to 200 btw). Luckily the person I found was Nasa!! He was a local that stayed around Simunjan and was planning to drive there. He agreed to pick me up and drive me there the next day!! Hehe luckily. So that part was settled. Contacted the pengarah and the next day we were on our way then. Got to know him along the way, and he was nice enough to stop at the immigration place for me to check some stuff out before heading over.

After 2 hours and some picture-taking of the route, we finally arrived :)). Met the pengarah and was told that I can stay in the quarters but it's been vacant for a whole year, so they need time to resume the electricity in it? Meanwhile, they will be putting me in a rumah transit, which is where they put the specialists whenever they come to visit. It's nice because it has a fridge, air-cond, and WIFI (OMG WIFI <3). It's a shock because I came here I had no line, no data, it's horrible. So turns out Maxis has absolutely no line here and Celcom is the true king here, and Nasa didn't tell me HAHA. FML. But yeah it's a relatively small area, with a very small town. District hospital, with only like 8 MOs? I can never get the proper number of it down tbh. When I arrived they had Dr Nora (Pengarah), Dr Putri, Dr Lim, Dr Saadah, Dr Sabrina, Dr Billy, Dr Haziq, Dr Azrul, and now me, Dr Nasa, and one more Dr Ganesh to come. Getting used to the place was not too hard. The hard part was actually the accomodation. I went to see the house that they said was allocated for us.. maigod. It had been vacant for a year and the condition clearly showed. Shit was everywhere. Literal rat and lizard poop. Everywhere. Legit lost some sleep over this because I think I was too stressed to think about how do I clean this shit. Luckily Nasa brought his brother and mother and helped me to clean it together as he was staying as well hehe. Then it all turned out to be quite good.

Looking back at this post.. it's damn long for a wrapped eh HAHAHAHAHA Okay, let's cut it at here. Fast forward to now, I'm otw home for the second time after coming here.. so.. so far so good, and I think I'm surviving so okok la hehee :))) Till next time folksss <3

Memorable day, etched in my brain

 13/7/2022

The day Far and I decided to arrange ahead of time so that we can finally take a one-day trip. Hehe it has been a month plus of casual planning and the day finally arrived. To be honest, initially it was a choice between Ipoh and Melaka. After listing out the iteniaries for both, kinda just seemed like slightly more to do and eat in Melaka, hence the decision was made. Dah lah that week was the last week for most people who are leaving for their placements (which I was supposed to be part of as well, but due to someone's screw up, my batch in sungai buloh was omitted hmm, so September? it is then). The last time I stepped foot in Melaka was to visit David and that was like in 2019 (pic is also still on my Instagram), and tbh this time the iteniary is pretty much similar to then, just that this was a Halal food and one day trip instead of a 3D2N thing. First time driving south on my own as well, in the Honda Civic, so can't lie that I wasn't looking forward to it from the moment we planned it, was nice to just stop caring about the hospital life just for one day too hehe.

Our starting time kept getting slower and slower cause it's a working day and we didn't wanna be stuck in any jam and she had just worked like 6-7 days in a row, so wanted her to get enough rest for sure. (Plus I just met Mich, David, and Hon last night before they all left Selangor for their respective places (Johor, UK, Sarawak in the exact order). Hence, I picked her up around 9am and we grabbed McD breakfast near her house before starting our journey. After a nice and short 1 and a half hour drive, we got to Melaka already. Was a rather uneventful drive, just nice chilling, talking and just enjoying the moment. We stopped at Jonker Street first, had a confusion of parking in a yellow spot in front of a hotel for a good 20 minutes, before deciding to park somewhere near Kampung Hulu mosque that was way safer. Called David as well to make sure I wasn't gonna get saman-ed and this bro decided to pay for my parking for the entire day. So gamdong weih T.T

Hence, we started with a river walk along the Malacca river. To be honest most of the stores looked like drinking spots that were open mainly at night, so it was just a chill walk all the way up to Red Square. We went into H&M for a while (which post trip we learned will be moving out of that area) to cool off and snap some photos haha. Then, went to the usual tourist spots, A Famosa gate, St Paul Church, the red building thingy, even Dataran Pahlawan mall which provided another good place to rest and toilet facilities. Then, me being a smart ass, thinking that the putu piring place was really near, started walking along Jonker Street, thinking it's somewhere there, turns out to be another km away. Luckily Far was okay with walking with me by the side of the road all the way just to get the putu piring (which is still amazing I have to say, however priced at RM1.50 per piece now.) Honestly, by the time we got to the shop I felt so bad because I did promise her we weren't gonna tire her out, so I booked a Grab to get back to our car (just RM6, no biggie, although the driver took a way longer route lol, not my problem tho, nice to be in the air cond for a bit), then we cooled off at Kg Hulu Cendol place, which honestly by that point, we have excessive gula Melaka intake problems (it's like 2pm now btw). The food at that place was so ridiculously priced at like 11 bucks for chicken rice or something like that, so we actually didn't have any real food per se yet, but filled our stomachs with sweet stuff already. So, I decided I really need some coffee to cut down all this sweetness.

The inital plan was to go to Sharing Plates, but my smart ass forgot to check that it was actually closed on a Wednesday (like alot of other stuff apparently, the aquarium thingy), so we settled for the Daily Fix cafe, a short walk to Jonker Street. We arrived at the cafe ~ 3,4pm ish and we still had to wait around 20 minutes to get a table (as the place was actually a pretty small cafe, and upstairs wasn't open.) We looked through the menu while waiting and proceeded to the counter to order once we got a table. We ordered a squid ink risotto for mains, an expresso pancake (cause we were so done with gula Melaka at that point), and for drinks, long black for me, lemonade for her. Focusing on the risotto, the first bite was salt, the second bite was also salt, generally a very salty dish lol, had to wash it down with my coffee cause it honestly didn't taste of anything other than salt. After ordering, I regretted getting the coffee pancake as well, cause it was literally the same coffee being used for the pancake and the one that I'm drinking. Genius. The drinks were decent, nothing too out of the ordinary. Quoting David, don't expect much from cafes in Melaka, especially after visiting the ones in KL. We left with very full stomachs back to my car to chill. I rested in the car while she went to the masjid to pray. She did suggest to go to a masjid that was really pretty but we settled for the one near the car. To be honest should have went to the one near the sea. That masjid looked so pretty and also the view overlooking the straits was quite amazing. Too bad my stomach was acting up, so she had to put up with some creepy uncle loitering around the female praying session (which I can't do anything about :/) Mistakes were made pfft.

At this point, we casually made our way to Klebang beach. On the way there I recognized some parts that David brought us previously. Hence, we made a pit stop at a place where I liked taking photos at previously (one of it is even on Insta), the white performing arts place near the sea. We arrived around 5pm so the counters were all closed already, and there really wasn't much people there (same as last time tbh, nothing much has changed). We snapped tons of photos, chilled facing the sea for abit, got stalked by a black dog a bit as well, fun times :))) Next, headed to Klebang Beach and walao.. the water quality really is horrible LOL. It was my first time being at the beach and gosh, I dunno what I was expecting, but it was something better I guess? The sand part was fine, just that it led to a shallow cove and the water in it was just, dark. with trash. Not a great sight. Walked from one end to the other and that was about it tbh. Not much to do there if ur not a family and not hungry. Honestly if you wanna chill, the performing arts centre place is probably better (clearer waters, rocks to sit on, windy breeze). The original plan was to havc dinner at Pak Putra's Naan place, but we were just so stuffed we decided to have dinner in Shah Alam instead (my friend did roll her eyes upon hearing this and I know it sounds weird, but we just really couldn't eat anymore LOL). Hence drove nearly 2 hours to get back to Shah Alam (with 1 stop in between for my condition ahem ahem), and we had dinner at Ehsan's instead. Still had Naan if that counts for something hahaha along with their Tandoori Chicken. It actually tasted quite good and the pricing was relatively cheap. So will definitely try their Briyani one day. I fetched her home afterwards and we said our goodbyes. Just great vibes driving home that night ya know hehe :)))

THEN, HAHA ok this is the funny part. So, abit of background, Far has been coughing for like 2 weeks now and initial Covid RTKs have all shown negative results. PLUS, she had a close contact with her uncle a week before, and still the results have been negative. Generally with this context, there really was nothing wrong at all for us to continue going on this trip. Nearing the end of the trip, apparently she started feeling like something was wrong, hence we had our masks on throughout the entire journey back from Melaka.After getting home, she still felt off, and stared having sore throat, hence she did a RTK test, boom positive. I had just finished showering when I heard that. After travelling the whole day and walking under the sun, naturally I was feeling hot as well, hence mini panics inside you know. Plus, looking at the oncall timetable, I really don't want to look for replacements, so I tested myself for the first 2 days, and thank goodness it was all negative. Then, I was feeling better so I decide to swab only if new symptoms arised. Mind you we shared food and drinks, was maskless throughout most of the journey, and somehow I remained negative throughout the entire supposed incubation period, so I got lucky or my body already had strong antibodies towards Covid since I'm a survivor ehehehe. So good for Far that she got to rest for the next 7 days post Melaka, although she was coughing alot for most of it and someone was stubborn to take Augmentin... She is still having minimal coughs post covid, so hopefully it does improve, since it was affecting her sleep at one point. One week after that by the way, her sister got covid HAHA. So yeah the entire family was basically a covid survivor at this point. Which got me to think, either the covid booster really worked or my active immunity somehow worked? Just grateful I didn't get it another time again.

All in all, was a really really wonderful trip, better if we could put up a night as well so that there was more time and flexibility to do stuff, but with restrictions I get it hehe. Still enjoyed it alot. Plus, decided that I wanted to post on my Instagram, cause there were just really nice photos that I wanna keep on Insta for a while. Obviously I did think of the consequences of it before posting it, but seeming that we are still getting stares while we go out till this day, like who cares at this point. We both know where this is going, we owe no one any explanations. I posted it, and obviously the comments exploded abit. I was relievcd mostly to be honest, although September was coming and we all know what that means... Let's worry about it when we get there. For now, the vibes from this trip alone should be positive and only positive. Thank you Far for agreeing to go on this trip with me. 💞

Photo time!! Although most of here Insta saw first, and most is just gonna be in my hard drive hehe.

Top 2 most favourite photo in this trip hahaha. In H&M Jonker :))

Attempt at making her take the more cheesy "candid" photos HAHAH

The delicious ass putu pirings that my stomach couldn't eat anymore xD

If only it was more centred, oh wellllll

My view on the drive back hehe :)

That's all folks hehe :)

MO Woes

L Hey hey, it's been a good 3-month break from blogging and I'm back. From the looks of my hit count above, no one else has visited this blog other than me HAHA oh well, kinda expected tbh. So here I am sitting down in front of my laptop after 2 months of being a MO to reflect. Haven't got to update my current status so here it goes. Hi I'm Dr Yeo, currently a floating MO in O&G HSgB. Before any of you ask, no I did not ask for this, but this guy forgot to apply for his floating position, hence was practically dumped to O&G. Luckily Hana was already here so I was pleased with that, plus Ain, Beckie and Shanna came along with me so at least I didn't felt alone. Meanwhile, Shing Li managed to get into medical. 

On a quick recap, I did mention I was starting my MRCP prep, cause I was planning to do it in May with Shing, but guess who had to back out as soon as he found out he was going to O&G. Not doing O&G for a year plus and suddenly had to be thrown back to do O&G as a MO. I'll be the clueless guy walking around the ward. Hence, I had to study O&G stuff, so Shing proceeded for MRCP on her own. I basically just burnt money on Pastest HAHA. In the end, I barely did 5% of the whole question bank? Yeah was quite bad at discipline. Anyway, now that I'm a MO, the timetable basically works 8-5 unless when you are oncall. I've been put part of the O&G covid team since the beginning and currently still am (although covid patients are dwindling down and that's a good sign overall for the community). Being put in the covid team basically also neuters ur knowledge tbh. You are basically stuck with maternal tachycardia for 90% of the cases and most of them come down with adequate hydration or with natural progression of Covid. Occasionally one or two you get pulmonary embolisms and even then, it's not massive that requires interventional radiology for embolectomy that kind. So tbh have been going through a bit of brain drain. Although there are the occasional oncalls down in the labour room which are really helpful at making me feel like the dumbest person ever. To be honest, after becoming MO, I felt like I was much more knowledgeful when I was a HO, definitely. Secondly, the job scope tbh hasn't changed that much. We don't actually have enough HOs to go around so you have to see cases yourself as well, type them into the system (double work, just basically HSgB style lol), and sometimes take blood and deliver babies. Do rounds yourself, basically HO 2.0, cause you have to discuss cases with senior MOs as well. Then there is the extra factor of politics within the MO group as well that I won't really wanna go into la. Fast forward to now that it's 2 months in. I've tried to learn antenatal scans, and it's been a challenging road. By no means am I good at it now. Heck, half the time I'm still wondering if I'm really measuring the femur lol. Still, a long way to go for that. Delivered a few babies now, but I still need to learn about perineum repair. It's always been a challenge for me since HO days as suturing really isn't my strong suit. Hence, happy to have senior MOs and also JMs teaching me, still need to practice a lot tho. 

Now recently got into a little bit of hot water as a MO. The first event I would say that legit got me worried. So, our ward has clinic duties as well, so I've been learning to see clinic patients over the past few weeks as well. Our clinic isn't fully operational as of now. I attended to a patient with a previous scar done in a private hospital and had to decide on a mode of delivery. To be honest, it was my first patient to decide the mode of delivery, and I basically took the patient's word for it that the op was uneventful and subsequently counselled for VBAC vs LSCS. Even my senior Kak Raf was there to help me council. However, the patient had uncontrolled PIH and hence was admitted to HR after d/w the consultant oncall. He did mention not to include anything about the mode of delivery as that will be decided by the specialist in the HR, hence I deleted everything about the consultation and the plan was just to send the patient to HR. A week later, the patient was admitted for leaking and when the specialist attended the patient she was curious as to who counselled the patient as no documentation was in the system. I was called down and the whole situation was explained. Long story short I got screwed for a DANGEROUS counsel for VBAC because I wasn't sure on the operation report. Honestly, I based it off the 2nd laparotomy one for adhesions and the patient's word of mouth that the op was uneventful. So that was definitely a learning point. Trace op notes and document. Will rmb till I die lol. Got screwed by the specialist was not fun, really screws up your confidence. Dahlah you know you don't really know enough of O&G, now your confidence level keeps taking a beating, really starts instilling fear whenever you have to present a case and all. So it's nice to have this weekend off after being oncall for so many weekends. Kinda sucks nowadays as specialists are ramping up and being more strict on MOs. Focus turns to the juniors and the seniors guiding them. Indirectly the pressure trickles down to the junior MOs cuz u know, there barely are any HOs. LOL Hopefully I manage to regain confidence and be a better MO I guess. It's a steep learning curve definitely.

Regarding the future, I have no idea when the placement will come. I did put in my selections. Top three were Selangor, Perak, and Penang. You want justifications? I honestly have next to none for them HAHA. I kinda filled in the form a lil too late. Selangor is a no brainer, it's like 99% won't get one. Next is Perak, it's nearer, and I've heard good things I feel. However, will need to crank up my shitty Cantonese, which will be an obstacle I can foresee. Next on the choice is Penang (which I hope dear God not PGH). Hahaha, I studied there, my mum is from there, I have family members there. I dunno I think it's possible although with my mental scar there, shouldn't really be an issue. That being said I'm like 75% sure I'm gonna head over to East Malaysia. Plus, being a half baked Covid MO, I can literally say I am like next to useless. So going there will be good to pick up skills, but honestly I wish I'm a better MO, although I have been really lazy since becoming a MO. I have studied a bit but gosh my focus is totally not sustained. Even typing this blog post took almost a whole day. Hopefully I can get my shit together, and things can be uphill from here. Half of me wish the placement comes earlier because then I can start planning for the long term. The next half of me wish it gets delayed as much as possible. Family and Far are mainly why.

So update on me and Far. Things have been slowly escalating, and honestly everything is going great. Although now we are almost near the endgame, can start to feel maybe we are both pulling back a bit. This might be my brain going on overdrive and overanalyzing things AS USUAL, but this was the vibe I got... We did go on regular dates and just impromptu ones which are always fun. Sometimes may not have anything to say, but it's just nice walking or sitting beside each other. It's one thing that is just indescribable and just feels so right. Challenges for us remain and it will never go away. Stares are common, from restaurant go-ers to mall patrons, to cashiers. It all doesn't go away. Not sure if Far notices it, or just the stares are mainly on me HAHA. Honestly I ignore them, but u can feel them staring down ur neck LOL. It's fine. Just stare back at them and that usually does the trick xD We had some talks about religion, especially during Ramadhan month and I'm glad she was accepting of my "liberal" thoughts, especially onto a strict religion such as Islam. She has been really cool honestly. There are times that she gets down about her dad and I try my best to let her process them. It's tough to be her really. Everyone expects her to be ok and it doesn't give her space to grieve at all. The grief will always be there, can't expect it to just go missing. Just wish people would be more understanding and back off from their expectations. Oh well, but sometimes I really wish I can do more for her just to lift that burden. Let's not discuss anything about the end until it comes. I know its stupid to feel sad for something that has been in the books since before we even started. But since it's almost like July, can't help to start to feel it you know. The impending sadness. Will be down and out for a bit I think lol. It's just that we are comfortable just hanging out. This is no doubt the least physical relationship I've had (no duh), but in a way it's actually quite enjoyable (with occasional frustratingness) HAHA!! Let's just let life continue on until it decides to blow up in my face. Meanwhile, I'm gonna enjoy every second of it :))

That's it for now I guess, the usual would be some photos hehe so stay tuned and I'll catch you guys (I'm saying like there actually is even anyone else) later. Take care peeps <3

Hehe postcall meal after going to Oiso x2 and its not open. Was a lovely lovely date :))

Cafe visit with parents and sis (clearly not in photo)

First midnight movie. Memorable forever!! Fantastic Beasts hehe :)

Cody and le new dog 

Metup with Jason and Vivian postcall before they leave Msia for good :/

Moments before 6B opens up for non-Covid patients. Road to endemicity!

FIRST SET OF SCRUBS I OWN THANKS TO FAR hehe :))

Life is short. Awesome, yet short.

Helloo... The first post of 2022 to kick things off. Sadly, it probably won't be on a very kind note. Pretty sure no one reads this anymore as the viewer count goes up one by one when I visit it only xD

Short update, I have just completed my 5-week long covid rotation, and today marks the day that I'm officially back in the ED roster for another month only and then the end of my HOship will come. Not really ready for it to finish to be honest. I've got my full registration number already but your boy has been so lazy to get his APC done (just need to give the person in charge a call but.. lazy LOL). This past month has been quite mundane to be honest. Will never forget the first day when we arrived in the wards (4B and 4C), the SN and MOs were in a bit of a shock as to why are there HOs cause during that time, the admissions weren't that bad and the MOs were in shift system, meaning effectively there are at least 2-4 MOs working BD shifts. Hence, even cm bloods were pretty doable, and doctors can pretty much rest at night. Plus, their timetable was so amazing, AM, PM, PN, OFF, basically working 24 hours every 4 days pfft.... Hence, for the first 2 weeks, HO lives were quite easy as well, a bit of admissions and basically being phlebotomists, didn't really learn that much tbh.

After 2 weeks, they finally decided to re-implement oncall system, meaning after 5 there will only be one MO oncall in each ward. For 4B and 4C, they are considered lucky as they have HOs, the upper floor ones have really got it rough, 10+ admissions at night with cm bloods to take. From the stories that my seniors are posting, the specialists and registrars can be a bit unforgiving when the cm bloods are late or something, which really is a GIANT pain in the ass. After CNY, the cases have now re-raised to 20k again, and with MAEPS closed, HSB has gone to absolute chaos. Even in ED, yellow zone is like way over-capacity, sometimes patients get sent up to covid ward without any bloods, its quite terrible tbh. Hence, they may say with the booster dose, hospitalization is reduced, but damn, if they are all still coming to one place only, its still hell for us too. Hopefully going back to ED won't be that big of a trouble for me really...

On a more personal note, I have decided to get a bit of a start to get my MRCP on the way. Hon has his FRCEM part 1 done, Denzel is about to get his part 2 done, think its time I start something as well. Therefore, I signed up for the Pastest till May to at least have something done. Shared it with Shing Li and here we go!! The questions have been quite challenging not going to lie, so curse myself for not really focusing hard back in Dublin HAHA. Loads of basic science and anatomy was just like I have never heard of this. There is still a lot of work to be done. Just found out that Dr Azreen (my beloved medical MO in HSAS) had started to prepare herself for MRCP too, but putting it in August, cause she thinks she will be much more well prepared then.. and then there is me.. who is like still playing DOTA and all, wanting to get it done in May. LOL ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I'll update y'all on how things really go I guess.

Done for the stuff that are very obvious. Here comes the more inner feeling things so if yall get bored with long pointless rants, can just draw a line here and stop.

This month has been a bit of a tricky one emotionally, got me really thinking in my brain how in touch am I with my own emotions. Let's start from the beginning.

Farzainin has had a really rough month. It was really bad. It all started on 27th Jan 2022. Her dad first started having drooping eyelids and a bit of fever. He was brought to Avisena and was treated for conjunctivitis, all was well for now, but 2 days later he had a change in character, and Far was there for him and brought him to Avisena first. Things weren't looking great and Far opted for him to go to HSAS to monitor him. I did a bit of discussion with her prior to the final decision to go to HSAS as I was oncall in 4B that night. This brave girl stayed outside the ED for almost the entire night just to wait on any news or anything that she can help (cause she was basically booted from the ED). I mean I tried to be there for her through the phone as much as I could. Luckily her best friend Fatin was there for her throughout the night. Things only went downhill from there cause he had to be intubated and basically things were not looking up. Long story short he got admitted to HDW, where I visited him once there. Sad to say I didn't go in and meet him face to face that much, just caught up with his ventilator settings and all his investigations. Tried to make sense of his situation, turns out he didn't get a simple conjunctivitis but a full endolphtamitis, complicated with a few other infections. I was trying to be there for her for the entire time cause it was hard for her to work knowing that her dad was lying in a bed in the same hospital. I wish I could share her pain, I really wished so. She didn't deserve any of this pain that she was feeling. Knowing her back story and now, this thing was happening to her dad. That pain must have been unbearable. Hence, I tried to bring her out one morning after my night shift to help relieve her feelings a bit. We did go to a cafe

Then came a day, 9th Feb 2022, when her dad actually woke up after they turned off the sedation. Things looked pretty well at that point. He had a full GCS, and she finally got the chance to talk to him after so long. It really felt like a wonderful upturn of events and it felt so amazing. Just imagine how elated I felt, for her would have been such a huge relief. He managed to get extubated and moved out to 10A. Things somewhat improved just a little bit. Few days later, he just became more and more lethargic, that's when you know his kidneys aren't holding up. Unfortunately uncle passed away on 17th Feb 2022 after battling in HSAS like a fierce lion for so many days. 

The thing is.. during this whole time where I wanted to help support her, gave her space to grief, gave her space for her to be with her family, I felt quite bad tbh. Helpless for all you know. I thought I would have been immune to death a bit, cause to be honest I feel like I've distanced myself from a lot of emotions. I tend to not care about all of the things now, think this all started after my uni days, just to keep myself in a state of peace. But this time this hit me hard, and I didn't even have the pleasure to meet with uncle at all. In fact, I actually don't even know why I'm feeling that terrible. The fact that I know Far is feeling really down and there is absolutely nothing that I can do for her? It's possible. 

Another theory that I have, is probably because we both know that this is a timed relationship, as much as we love to, we can't fully commit to this relationship without it bouncing back out to blow up in our face when it finally ends. To be honest, this idea of a relationship wasn't very celebrated when I shared it with some of my close friends. Partially why I can't actually share this feeling with anyone else is because their thought would be basically "you did this to yourself". Can't blame them tho. But looking back, do I regret starting things this way back in July? Honestly no. I'm just pissed at the way the system works, and the idiotic cronies that run this bloody country. I enjoy going out with her, talking to her, movie dates.. it all just feels so comfortable. We could be talking bout the most random of shits (partially cause our interests are not that much alike, but we have just about enough mutual interests hehe), so sometimes the topic could fly to random places. It just feels homey. Then again, it could be the honeymoon phase talking...  We might as well be living a LDR with the actual amount of times we meet lol. Just you know, LDR within the state. 

As per my previous post, I wonder and wonder.. am I really being dumb for being that stubborn for my principles... Religion doesn't play that big part in my life... My fam and I don't pray regularly, but we still do respect the traditions that come with it. But if you ask me to follow a religion that has very strict rules and a very judgmental community that comes along with it (Christianity with Abby and Islam with Far), I would value my freedom over it, plus it's hard doing all the stuff ur supposed to do for the religion if your body is opposed to the whole basis and idea of that religion. It's fucking difficult. It really is. 

All in all, I think in the end my feeling is more of being helpless. Helpless on how to help Far, helpless on our situation, helpless in my work area (Gonna go back to ED and continue being undermined again). I guess that's just the tip of the iceberg of what I know. Have to really be more in touch with myself. I'm blogging it here, but no one is going to read it, which brings that bittersweet feeling with it. On one hand, its a sense of privacy, but it is an open blog and I have no plans to privatize it at all. Guess I'll just leave this here to rot with the rest of my memories while I sulkily plan out the rest of my life by making horrible choices everywhere again.

Thank you to the empty 1s and 0s that are reading this, made me feel a bit better :)

Just a random Shin Ramen with cheese, cause it legit tastes better than it looks

Random small cute ass cicak I found on my car hehe :DD

2 pictures for the CNY celebration with the F'wondeerfuls hehe :)

Last date with her prior to this post. Could use a bit of editing to be honest with the colours xD Will get to it someday hehe :)