Helloo... The first post of 2022 to kick things off. Sadly, it probably won't be on a very kind note. Pretty sure no one reads this anymore as the viewer count goes up one by one when I visit it only xD
Short update, I have just completed my 5-week long covid rotation, and today marks the day that I'm officially back in the ED roster for another month only and then the end of my HOship will come. Not really ready for it to finish to be honest. I've got my full registration number already but your boy has been so lazy to get his APC done (just need to give the person in charge a call but.. lazy LOL). This past month has been quite mundane to be honest. Will never forget the first day when we arrived in the wards (4B and 4C), the SN and MOs were in a bit of a shock as to why are there HOs cause during that time, the admissions weren't that bad and the MOs were in shift system, meaning effectively there are at least 2-4 MOs working BD shifts. Hence, even cm bloods were pretty doable, and doctors can pretty much rest at night. Plus, their timetable was so amazing, AM, PM, PN, OFF, basically working 24 hours every 4 days pfft.... Hence, for the first 2 weeks, HO lives were quite easy as well, a bit of admissions and basically being phlebotomists, didn't really learn that much tbh.
After 2 weeks, they finally decided to re-implement oncall system, meaning after 5 there will only be one MO oncall in each ward. For 4B and 4C, they are considered lucky as they have HOs, the upper floor ones have really got it rough, 10+ admissions at night with cm bloods to take. From the stories that my seniors are posting, the specialists and registrars can be a bit unforgiving when the cm bloods are late or something, which really is a GIANT pain in the ass. After CNY, the cases have now re-raised to 20k again, and with MAEPS closed, HSB has gone to absolute chaos. Even in ED, yellow zone is like way over-capacity, sometimes patients get sent up to covid ward without any bloods, its quite terrible tbh. Hence, they may say with the booster dose, hospitalization is reduced, but damn, if they are all still coming to one place only, its still hell for us too. Hopefully going back to ED won't be that big of a trouble for me really...
On a more personal note, I have decided to get a bit of a start to get my MRCP on the way. Hon has his FRCEM part 1 done, Denzel is about to get his part 2 done, think its time I start something as well. Therefore, I signed up for the Pastest till May to at least have something done. Shared it with Shing Li and here we go!! The questions have been quite challenging not going to lie, so curse myself for not really focusing hard back in Dublin HAHA. Loads of basic science and anatomy was just like I have never heard of this. There is still a lot of work to be done. Just found out that Dr Azreen (my beloved medical MO in HSAS) had started to prepare herself for MRCP too, but putting it in August, cause she thinks she will be much more well prepared then.. and then there is me.. who is like still playing DOTA and all, wanting to get it done in May. LOL ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I'll update y'all on how things really go I guess.
Done for the stuff that are very obvious. Here comes the more inner feeling things so if yall get bored with long pointless rants, can just draw a line here and stop.
This month has been a bit of a tricky one emotionally, got me really thinking in my brain how in touch am I with my own emotions. Let's start from the beginning.
Farzainin has had a really rough month. It was really bad. It all started on 27th Jan 2022. Her dad first started having drooping eyelids and a bit of fever. He was brought to Avisena and was treated for conjunctivitis, all was well for now, but 2 days later he had a change in character, and Far was there for him and brought him to Avisena first. Things weren't looking great and Far opted for him to go to HSAS to monitor him. I did a bit of discussion with her prior to the final decision to go to HSAS as I was oncall in 4B that night. This brave girl stayed outside the ED for almost the entire night just to wait on any news or anything that she can help (cause she was basically booted from the ED). I mean I tried to be there for her through the phone as much as I could. Luckily her best friend Fatin was there for her throughout the night. Things only went downhill from there cause he had to be intubated and basically things were not looking up. Long story short he got admitted to HDW, where I visited him once there. Sad to say I didn't go in and meet him face to face that much, just caught up with his ventilator settings and all his investigations. Tried to make sense of his situation, turns out he didn't get a simple conjunctivitis but a full endolphtamitis, complicated with a few other infections. I was trying to be there for her for the entire time cause it was hard for her to work knowing that her dad was lying in a bed in the same hospital. I wish I could share her pain, I really wished so. She didn't deserve any of this pain that she was feeling. Knowing her back story and now, this thing was happening to her dad. That pain must have been unbearable. Hence, I tried to bring her out one morning after my night shift to help relieve her feelings a bit. We did go to a cafe
Then came a day, 9th Feb 2022, when her dad actually woke up after they turned off the sedation. Things looked pretty well at that point. He had a full GCS, and she finally got the chance to talk to him after so long. It really felt like a wonderful upturn of events and it felt so amazing. Just imagine how elated I felt, for her would have been such a huge relief. He managed to get extubated and moved out to 10A. Things somewhat improved just a little bit. Few days later, he just became more and more lethargic, that's when you know his kidneys aren't holding up. Unfortunately uncle passed away on 17th Feb 2022 after battling in HSAS like a fierce lion for so many days.
The thing is.. during this whole time where I wanted to help support her, gave her space to grief, gave her space for her to be with her family, I felt quite bad tbh. Helpless for all you know. I thought I would have been immune to death a bit, cause to be honest I feel like I've distanced myself from a lot of emotions. I tend to not care about all of the things now, think this all started after my uni days, just to keep myself in a state of peace. But this time this hit me hard, and I didn't even have the pleasure to meet with uncle at all. In fact, I actually don't even know why I'm feeling that terrible. The fact that I know Far is feeling really down and there is absolutely nothing that I can do for her? It's possible.
Another theory that I have, is probably because we both know that this is a timed relationship, as much as we love to, we can't fully commit to this relationship without it bouncing back out to blow up in our face when it finally ends. To be honest, this idea of a relationship wasn't very celebrated when I shared it with some of my close friends. Partially why I can't actually share this feeling with anyone else is because their thought would be basically "you did this to yourself". Can't blame them tho. But looking back, do I regret starting things this way back in July? Honestly no. I'm just pissed at the way the system works, and the idiotic cronies that run this bloody country. I enjoy going out with her, talking to her, movie dates.. it all just feels so comfortable. We could be talking bout the most random of shits (partially cause our interests are not that much alike, but we have just about enough mutual interests hehe), so sometimes the topic could fly to random places. It just feels homey. Then again, it could be the honeymoon phase talking... We might as well be living a LDR with the actual amount of times we meet lol. Just you know, LDR within the state.
As per my previous post, I wonder and wonder.. am I really being dumb for being that stubborn for my principles... Religion doesn't play that big part in my life... My fam and I don't pray regularly, but we still do respect the traditions that come with it. But if you ask me to follow a religion that has very strict rules and a very judgmental community that comes along with it (Christianity with Abby and Islam with Far), I would value my freedom over it, plus it's hard doing all the stuff ur supposed to do for the religion if your body is opposed to the whole basis and idea of that religion. It's fucking difficult. It really is.
All in all, I think in the end my feeling is more of being helpless. Helpless on how to help Far, helpless on our situation, helpless in my work area (Gonna go back to ED and continue being undermined again). I guess that's just the tip of the iceberg of what I know. Have to really be more in touch with myself. I'm blogging it here, but no one is going to read it, which brings that bittersweet feeling with it. On one hand, its a sense of privacy, but it is an open blog and I have no plans to privatize it at all. Guess I'll just leave this here to rot with the rest of my memories while I sulkily plan out the rest of my life by making horrible choices everywhere again.
Thank you to the empty 1s and 0s that are reading this, made me feel a bit better :)
No comments:
Post a Comment