Memorable day, etched in my brain

 13/7/2022

The day Far and I decided to arrange ahead of time so that we can finally take a one-day trip. Hehe it has been a month plus of casual planning and the day finally arrived. To be honest, initially it was a choice between Ipoh and Melaka. After listing out the iteniaries for both, kinda just seemed like slightly more to do and eat in Melaka, hence the decision was made. Dah lah that week was the last week for most people who are leaving for their placements (which I was supposed to be part of as well, but due to someone's screw up, my batch in sungai buloh was omitted hmm, so September? it is then). The last time I stepped foot in Melaka was to visit David and that was like in 2019 (pic is also still on my Instagram), and tbh this time the iteniary is pretty much similar to then, just that this was a Halal food and one day trip instead of a 3D2N thing. First time driving south on my own as well, in the Honda Civic, so can't lie that I wasn't looking forward to it from the moment we planned it, was nice to just stop caring about the hospital life just for one day too hehe.

Our starting time kept getting slower and slower cause it's a working day and we didn't wanna be stuck in any jam and she had just worked like 6-7 days in a row, so wanted her to get enough rest for sure. (Plus I just met Mich, David, and Hon last night before they all left Selangor for their respective places (Johor, UK, Sarawak in the exact order). Hence, I picked her up around 9am and we grabbed McD breakfast near her house before starting our journey. After a nice and short 1 and a half hour drive, we got to Melaka already. Was a rather uneventful drive, just nice chilling, talking and just enjoying the moment. We stopped at Jonker Street first, had a confusion of parking in a yellow spot in front of a hotel for a good 20 minutes, before deciding to park somewhere near Kampung Hulu mosque that was way safer. Called David as well to make sure I wasn't gonna get saman-ed and this bro decided to pay for my parking for the entire day. So gamdong weih T.T

Hence, we started with a river walk along the Malacca river. To be honest most of the stores looked like drinking spots that were open mainly at night, so it was just a chill walk all the way up to Red Square. We went into H&M for a while (which post trip we learned will be moving out of that area) to cool off and snap some photos haha. Then, went to the usual tourist spots, A Famosa gate, St Paul Church, the red building thingy, even Dataran Pahlawan mall which provided another good place to rest and toilet facilities. Then, me being a smart ass, thinking that the putu piring place was really near, started walking along Jonker Street, thinking it's somewhere there, turns out to be another km away. Luckily Far was okay with walking with me by the side of the road all the way just to get the putu piring (which is still amazing I have to say, however priced at RM1.50 per piece now.) Honestly, by the time we got to the shop I felt so bad because I did promise her we weren't gonna tire her out, so I booked a Grab to get back to our car (just RM6, no biggie, although the driver took a way longer route lol, not my problem tho, nice to be in the air cond for a bit), then we cooled off at Kg Hulu Cendol place, which honestly by that point, we have excessive gula Melaka intake problems (it's like 2pm now btw). The food at that place was so ridiculously priced at like 11 bucks for chicken rice or something like that, so we actually didn't have any real food per se yet, but filled our stomachs with sweet stuff already. So, I decided I really need some coffee to cut down all this sweetness.

The inital plan was to go to Sharing Plates, but my smart ass forgot to check that it was actually closed on a Wednesday (like alot of other stuff apparently, the aquarium thingy), so we settled for the Daily Fix cafe, a short walk to Jonker Street. We arrived at the cafe ~ 3,4pm ish and we still had to wait around 20 minutes to get a table (as the place was actually a pretty small cafe, and upstairs wasn't open.) We looked through the menu while waiting and proceeded to the counter to order once we got a table. We ordered a squid ink risotto for mains, an expresso pancake (cause we were so done with gula Melaka at that point), and for drinks, long black for me, lemonade for her. Focusing on the risotto, the first bite was salt, the second bite was also salt, generally a very salty dish lol, had to wash it down with my coffee cause it honestly didn't taste of anything other than salt. After ordering, I regretted getting the coffee pancake as well, cause it was literally the same coffee being used for the pancake and the one that I'm drinking. Genius. The drinks were decent, nothing too out of the ordinary. Quoting David, don't expect much from cafes in Melaka, especially after visiting the ones in KL. We left with very full stomachs back to my car to chill. I rested in the car while she went to the masjid to pray. She did suggest to go to a masjid that was really pretty but we settled for the one near the car. To be honest should have went to the one near the sea. That masjid looked so pretty and also the view overlooking the straits was quite amazing. Too bad my stomach was acting up, so she had to put up with some creepy uncle loitering around the female praying session (which I can't do anything about :/) Mistakes were made pfft.

At this point, we casually made our way to Klebang beach. On the way there I recognized some parts that David brought us previously. Hence, we made a pit stop at a place where I liked taking photos at previously (one of it is even on Insta), the white performing arts place near the sea. We arrived around 5pm so the counters were all closed already, and there really wasn't much people there (same as last time tbh, nothing much has changed). We snapped tons of photos, chilled facing the sea for abit, got stalked by a black dog a bit as well, fun times :))) Next, headed to Klebang Beach and walao.. the water quality really is horrible LOL. It was my first time being at the beach and gosh, I dunno what I was expecting, but it was something better I guess? The sand part was fine, just that it led to a shallow cove and the water in it was just, dark. with trash. Not a great sight. Walked from one end to the other and that was about it tbh. Not much to do there if ur not a family and not hungry. Honestly if you wanna chill, the performing arts centre place is probably better (clearer waters, rocks to sit on, windy breeze). The original plan was to havc dinner at Pak Putra's Naan place, but we were just so stuffed we decided to have dinner in Shah Alam instead (my friend did roll her eyes upon hearing this and I know it sounds weird, but we just really couldn't eat anymore LOL). Hence drove nearly 2 hours to get back to Shah Alam (with 1 stop in between for my condition ahem ahem), and we had dinner at Ehsan's instead. Still had Naan if that counts for something hahaha along with their Tandoori Chicken. It actually tasted quite good and the pricing was relatively cheap. So will definitely try their Briyani one day. I fetched her home afterwards and we said our goodbyes. Just great vibes driving home that night ya know hehe :)))

THEN, HAHA ok this is the funny part. So, abit of background, Far has been coughing for like 2 weeks now and initial Covid RTKs have all shown negative results. PLUS, she had a close contact with her uncle a week before, and still the results have been negative. Generally with this context, there really was nothing wrong at all for us to continue going on this trip. Nearing the end of the trip, apparently she started feeling like something was wrong, hence we had our masks on throughout the entire journey back from Melaka.After getting home, she still felt off, and stared having sore throat, hence she did a RTK test, boom positive. I had just finished showering when I heard that. After travelling the whole day and walking under the sun, naturally I was feeling hot as well, hence mini panics inside you know. Plus, looking at the oncall timetable, I really don't want to look for replacements, so I tested myself for the first 2 days, and thank goodness it was all negative. Then, I was feeling better so I decide to swab only if new symptoms arised. Mind you we shared food and drinks, was maskless throughout most of the journey, and somehow I remained negative throughout the entire supposed incubation period, so I got lucky or my body already had strong antibodies towards Covid since I'm a survivor ehehehe. So good for Far that she got to rest for the next 7 days post Melaka, although she was coughing alot for most of it and someone was stubborn to take Augmentin... She is still having minimal coughs post covid, so hopefully it does improve, since it was affecting her sleep at one point. One week after that by the way, her sister got covid HAHA. So yeah the entire family was basically a covid survivor at this point. Which got me to think, either the covid booster really worked or my active immunity somehow worked? Just grateful I didn't get it another time again.

All in all, was a really really wonderful trip, better if we could put up a night as well so that there was more time and flexibility to do stuff, but with restrictions I get it hehe. Still enjoyed it alot. Plus, decided that I wanted to post on my Instagram, cause there were just really nice photos that I wanna keep on Insta for a while. Obviously I did think of the consequences of it before posting it, but seeming that we are still getting stares while we go out till this day, like who cares at this point. We both know where this is going, we owe no one any explanations. I posted it, and obviously the comments exploded abit. I was relievcd mostly to be honest, although September was coming and we all know what that means... Let's worry about it when we get there. For now, the vibes from this trip alone should be positive and only positive. Thank you Far for agreeing to go on this trip with me. 💞

Photo time!! Although most of here Insta saw first, and most is just gonna be in my hard drive hehe.

Top 2 most favourite photo in this trip hahaha. In H&M Jonker :))

Attempt at making her take the more cheesy "candid" photos HAHAH

The delicious ass putu pirings that my stomach couldn't eat anymore xD

If only it was more centred, oh wellllll

My view on the drive back hehe :)

That's all folks hehe :)

MO Woes

L Hey hey, it's been a good 3-month break from blogging and I'm back. From the looks of my hit count above, no one else has visited this blog other than me HAHA oh well, kinda expected tbh. So here I am sitting down in front of my laptop after 2 months of being a MO to reflect. Haven't got to update my current status so here it goes. Hi I'm Dr Yeo, currently a floating MO in O&G HSgB. Before any of you ask, no I did not ask for this, but this guy forgot to apply for his floating position, hence was practically dumped to O&G. Luckily Hana was already here so I was pleased with that, plus Ain, Beckie and Shanna came along with me so at least I didn't felt alone. Meanwhile, Shing Li managed to get into medical. 

On a quick recap, I did mention I was starting my MRCP prep, cause I was planning to do it in May with Shing, but guess who had to back out as soon as he found out he was going to O&G. Not doing O&G for a year plus and suddenly had to be thrown back to do O&G as a MO. I'll be the clueless guy walking around the ward. Hence, I had to study O&G stuff, so Shing proceeded for MRCP on her own. I basically just burnt money on Pastest HAHA. In the end, I barely did 5% of the whole question bank? Yeah was quite bad at discipline. Anyway, now that I'm a MO, the timetable basically works 8-5 unless when you are oncall. I've been put part of the O&G covid team since the beginning and currently still am (although covid patients are dwindling down and that's a good sign overall for the community). Being put in the covid team basically also neuters ur knowledge tbh. You are basically stuck with maternal tachycardia for 90% of the cases and most of them come down with adequate hydration or with natural progression of Covid. Occasionally one or two you get pulmonary embolisms and even then, it's not massive that requires interventional radiology for embolectomy that kind. So tbh have been going through a bit of brain drain. Although there are the occasional oncalls down in the labour room which are really helpful at making me feel like the dumbest person ever. To be honest, after becoming MO, I felt like I was much more knowledgeful when I was a HO, definitely. Secondly, the job scope tbh hasn't changed that much. We don't actually have enough HOs to go around so you have to see cases yourself as well, type them into the system (double work, just basically HSgB style lol), and sometimes take blood and deliver babies. Do rounds yourself, basically HO 2.0, cause you have to discuss cases with senior MOs as well. Then there is the extra factor of politics within the MO group as well that I won't really wanna go into la. Fast forward to now that it's 2 months in. I've tried to learn antenatal scans, and it's been a challenging road. By no means am I good at it now. Heck, half the time I'm still wondering if I'm really measuring the femur lol. Still, a long way to go for that. Delivered a few babies now, but I still need to learn about perineum repair. It's always been a challenge for me since HO days as suturing really isn't my strong suit. Hence, happy to have senior MOs and also JMs teaching me, still need to practice a lot tho. 

Now recently got into a little bit of hot water as a MO. The first event I would say that legit got me worried. So, our ward has clinic duties as well, so I've been learning to see clinic patients over the past few weeks as well. Our clinic isn't fully operational as of now. I attended to a patient with a previous scar done in a private hospital and had to decide on a mode of delivery. To be honest, it was my first patient to decide the mode of delivery, and I basically took the patient's word for it that the op was uneventful and subsequently counselled for VBAC vs LSCS. Even my senior Kak Raf was there to help me council. However, the patient had uncontrolled PIH and hence was admitted to HR after d/w the consultant oncall. He did mention not to include anything about the mode of delivery as that will be decided by the specialist in the HR, hence I deleted everything about the consultation and the plan was just to send the patient to HR. A week later, the patient was admitted for leaking and when the specialist attended the patient she was curious as to who counselled the patient as no documentation was in the system. I was called down and the whole situation was explained. Long story short I got screwed for a DANGEROUS counsel for VBAC because I wasn't sure on the operation report. Honestly, I based it off the 2nd laparotomy one for adhesions and the patient's word of mouth that the op was uneventful. So that was definitely a learning point. Trace op notes and document. Will rmb till I die lol. Got screwed by the specialist was not fun, really screws up your confidence. Dahlah you know you don't really know enough of O&G, now your confidence level keeps taking a beating, really starts instilling fear whenever you have to present a case and all. So it's nice to have this weekend off after being oncall for so many weekends. Kinda sucks nowadays as specialists are ramping up and being more strict on MOs. Focus turns to the juniors and the seniors guiding them. Indirectly the pressure trickles down to the junior MOs cuz u know, there barely are any HOs. LOL Hopefully I manage to regain confidence and be a better MO I guess. It's a steep learning curve definitely.

Regarding the future, I have no idea when the placement will come. I did put in my selections. Top three were Selangor, Perak, and Penang. You want justifications? I honestly have next to none for them HAHA. I kinda filled in the form a lil too late. Selangor is a no brainer, it's like 99% won't get one. Next is Perak, it's nearer, and I've heard good things I feel. However, will need to crank up my shitty Cantonese, which will be an obstacle I can foresee. Next on the choice is Penang (which I hope dear God not PGH). Hahaha, I studied there, my mum is from there, I have family members there. I dunno I think it's possible although with my mental scar there, shouldn't really be an issue. That being said I'm like 75% sure I'm gonna head over to East Malaysia. Plus, being a half baked Covid MO, I can literally say I am like next to useless. So going there will be good to pick up skills, but honestly I wish I'm a better MO, although I have been really lazy since becoming a MO. I have studied a bit but gosh my focus is totally not sustained. Even typing this blog post took almost a whole day. Hopefully I can get my shit together, and things can be uphill from here. Half of me wish the placement comes earlier because then I can start planning for the long term. The next half of me wish it gets delayed as much as possible. Family and Far are mainly why.

So update on me and Far. Things have been slowly escalating, and honestly everything is going great. Although now we are almost near the endgame, can start to feel maybe we are both pulling back a bit. This might be my brain going on overdrive and overanalyzing things AS USUAL, but this was the vibe I got... We did go on regular dates and just impromptu ones which are always fun. Sometimes may not have anything to say, but it's just nice walking or sitting beside each other. It's one thing that is just indescribable and just feels so right. Challenges for us remain and it will never go away. Stares are common, from restaurant go-ers to mall patrons, to cashiers. It all doesn't go away. Not sure if Far notices it, or just the stares are mainly on me HAHA. Honestly I ignore them, but u can feel them staring down ur neck LOL. It's fine. Just stare back at them and that usually does the trick xD We had some talks about religion, especially during Ramadhan month and I'm glad she was accepting of my "liberal" thoughts, especially onto a strict religion such as Islam. She has been really cool honestly. There are times that she gets down about her dad and I try my best to let her process them. It's tough to be her really. Everyone expects her to be ok and it doesn't give her space to grieve at all. The grief will always be there, can't expect it to just go missing. Just wish people would be more understanding and back off from their expectations. Oh well, but sometimes I really wish I can do more for her just to lift that burden. Let's not discuss anything about the end until it comes. I know its stupid to feel sad for something that has been in the books since before we even started. But since it's almost like July, can't help to start to feel it you know. The impending sadness. Will be down and out for a bit I think lol. It's just that we are comfortable just hanging out. This is no doubt the least physical relationship I've had (no duh), but in a way it's actually quite enjoyable (with occasional frustratingness) HAHA!! Let's just let life continue on until it decides to blow up in my face. Meanwhile, I'm gonna enjoy every second of it :))

That's it for now I guess, the usual would be some photos hehe so stay tuned and I'll catch you guys (I'm saying like there actually is even anyone else) later. Take care peeps <3

Hehe postcall meal after going to Oiso x2 and its not open. Was a lovely lovely date :))

Cafe visit with parents and sis (clearly not in photo)

First midnight movie. Memorable forever!! Fantastic Beasts hehe :)

Cody and le new dog 

Metup with Jason and Vivian postcall before they leave Msia for good :/

Moments before 6B opens up for non-Covid patients. Road to endemicity!

FIRST SET OF SCRUBS I OWN THANKS TO FAR hehe :))

Life is short. Awesome, yet short.

Helloo... The first post of 2022 to kick things off. Sadly, it probably won't be on a very kind note. Pretty sure no one reads this anymore as the viewer count goes up one by one when I visit it only xD

Short update, I have just completed my 5-week long covid rotation, and today marks the day that I'm officially back in the ED roster for another month only and then the end of my HOship will come. Not really ready for it to finish to be honest. I've got my full registration number already but your boy has been so lazy to get his APC done (just need to give the person in charge a call but.. lazy LOL). This past month has been quite mundane to be honest. Will never forget the first day when we arrived in the wards (4B and 4C), the SN and MOs were in a bit of a shock as to why are there HOs cause during that time, the admissions weren't that bad and the MOs were in shift system, meaning effectively there are at least 2-4 MOs working BD shifts. Hence, even cm bloods were pretty doable, and doctors can pretty much rest at night. Plus, their timetable was so amazing, AM, PM, PN, OFF, basically working 24 hours every 4 days pfft.... Hence, for the first 2 weeks, HO lives were quite easy as well, a bit of admissions and basically being phlebotomists, didn't really learn that much tbh.

After 2 weeks, they finally decided to re-implement oncall system, meaning after 5 there will only be one MO oncall in each ward. For 4B and 4C, they are considered lucky as they have HOs, the upper floor ones have really got it rough, 10+ admissions at night with cm bloods to take. From the stories that my seniors are posting, the specialists and registrars can be a bit unforgiving when the cm bloods are late or something, which really is a GIANT pain in the ass. After CNY, the cases have now re-raised to 20k again, and with MAEPS closed, HSB has gone to absolute chaos. Even in ED, yellow zone is like way over-capacity, sometimes patients get sent up to covid ward without any bloods, its quite terrible tbh. Hence, they may say with the booster dose, hospitalization is reduced, but damn, if they are all still coming to one place only, its still hell for us too. Hopefully going back to ED won't be that big of a trouble for me really...

On a more personal note, I have decided to get a bit of a start to get my MRCP on the way. Hon has his FRCEM part 1 done, Denzel is about to get his part 2 done, think its time I start something as well. Therefore, I signed up for the Pastest till May to at least have something done. Shared it with Shing Li and here we go!! The questions have been quite challenging not going to lie, so curse myself for not really focusing hard back in Dublin HAHA. Loads of basic science and anatomy was just like I have never heard of this. There is still a lot of work to be done. Just found out that Dr Azreen (my beloved medical MO in HSAS) had started to prepare herself for MRCP too, but putting it in August, cause she thinks she will be much more well prepared then.. and then there is me.. who is like still playing DOTA and all, wanting to get it done in May. LOL ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I'll update y'all on how things really go I guess.

Done for the stuff that are very obvious. Here comes the more inner feeling things so if yall get bored with long pointless rants, can just draw a line here and stop.

This month has been a bit of a tricky one emotionally, got me really thinking in my brain how in touch am I with my own emotions. Let's start from the beginning.

Farzainin has had a really rough month. It was really bad. It all started on 27th Jan 2022. Her dad first started having drooping eyelids and a bit of fever. He was brought to Avisena and was treated for conjunctivitis, all was well for now, but 2 days later he had a change in character, and Far was there for him and brought him to Avisena first. Things weren't looking great and Far opted for him to go to HSAS to monitor him. I did a bit of discussion with her prior to the final decision to go to HSAS as I was oncall in 4B that night. This brave girl stayed outside the ED for almost the entire night just to wait on any news or anything that she can help (cause she was basically booted from the ED). I mean I tried to be there for her through the phone as much as I could. Luckily her best friend Fatin was there for her throughout the night. Things only went downhill from there cause he had to be intubated and basically things were not looking up. Long story short he got admitted to HDW, where I visited him once there. Sad to say I didn't go in and meet him face to face that much, just caught up with his ventilator settings and all his investigations. Tried to make sense of his situation, turns out he didn't get a simple conjunctivitis but a full endolphtamitis, complicated with a few other infections. I was trying to be there for her for the entire time cause it was hard for her to work knowing that her dad was lying in a bed in the same hospital. I wish I could share her pain, I really wished so. She didn't deserve any of this pain that she was feeling. Knowing her back story and now, this thing was happening to her dad. That pain must have been unbearable. Hence, I tried to bring her out one morning after my night shift to help relieve her feelings a bit. We did go to a cafe

Then came a day, 9th Feb 2022, when her dad actually woke up after they turned off the sedation. Things looked pretty well at that point. He had a full GCS, and she finally got the chance to talk to him after so long. It really felt like a wonderful upturn of events and it felt so amazing. Just imagine how elated I felt, for her would have been such a huge relief. He managed to get extubated and moved out to 10A. Things somewhat improved just a little bit. Few days later, he just became more and more lethargic, that's when you know his kidneys aren't holding up. Unfortunately uncle passed away on 17th Feb 2022 after battling in HSAS like a fierce lion for so many days. 

The thing is.. during this whole time where I wanted to help support her, gave her space to grief, gave her space for her to be with her family, I felt quite bad tbh. Helpless for all you know. I thought I would have been immune to death a bit, cause to be honest I feel like I've distanced myself from a lot of emotions. I tend to not care about all of the things now, think this all started after my uni days, just to keep myself in a state of peace. But this time this hit me hard, and I didn't even have the pleasure to meet with uncle at all. In fact, I actually don't even know why I'm feeling that terrible. The fact that I know Far is feeling really down and there is absolutely nothing that I can do for her? It's possible. 

Another theory that I have, is probably because we both know that this is a timed relationship, as much as we love to, we can't fully commit to this relationship without it bouncing back out to blow up in our face when it finally ends. To be honest, this idea of a relationship wasn't very celebrated when I shared it with some of my close friends. Partially why I can't actually share this feeling with anyone else is because their thought would be basically "you did this to yourself". Can't blame them tho. But looking back, do I regret starting things this way back in July? Honestly no. I'm just pissed at the way the system works, and the idiotic cronies that run this bloody country. I enjoy going out with her, talking to her, movie dates.. it all just feels so comfortable. We could be talking bout the most random of shits (partially cause our interests are not that much alike, but we have just about enough mutual interests hehe), so sometimes the topic could fly to random places. It just feels homey. Then again, it could be the honeymoon phase talking...  We might as well be living a LDR with the actual amount of times we meet lol. Just you know, LDR within the state. 

As per my previous post, I wonder and wonder.. am I really being dumb for being that stubborn for my principles... Religion doesn't play that big part in my life... My fam and I don't pray regularly, but we still do respect the traditions that come with it. But if you ask me to follow a religion that has very strict rules and a very judgmental community that comes along with it (Christianity with Abby and Islam with Far), I would value my freedom over it, plus it's hard doing all the stuff ur supposed to do for the religion if your body is opposed to the whole basis and idea of that religion. It's fucking difficult. It really is. 

All in all, I think in the end my feeling is more of being helpless. Helpless on how to help Far, helpless on our situation, helpless in my work area (Gonna go back to ED and continue being undermined again). I guess that's just the tip of the iceberg of what I know. Have to really be more in touch with myself. I'm blogging it here, but no one is going to read it, which brings that bittersweet feeling with it. On one hand, its a sense of privacy, but it is an open blog and I have no plans to privatize it at all. Guess I'll just leave this here to rot with the rest of my memories while I sulkily plan out the rest of my life by making horrible choices everywhere again.

Thank you to the empty 1s and 0s that are reading this, made me feel a bit better :)

Just a random Shin Ramen with cheese, cause it legit tastes better than it looks

Random small cute ass cicak I found on my car hehe :DD

2 pictures for the CNY celebration with the F'wondeerfuls hehe :)

Last date with her prior to this post. Could use a bit of editing to be honest with the colours xD Will get to it someday hehe :)