The only reason why I'm writing this here is because I'm at a place that I'm not comfortable with and I need a place to rant and I don't have anyone so here it is. Read it for all I care, laugh at it for all I care. I just need a place to rant cause I'm feeling like a huge pile of crap :)
Here I am in Simunjan. 6 months after our break... Yes, the relationship that honestly made me the happiest guy for the past year that made my housemanship life more bearable. I don't think it's a secret that we have still been talking after our split but remained friends. We did struggle with holding a line in the beginning and let's be honest the first time we met up after our break up was probably a bit on the awkward side as we could both feel that we had so much more to say to each other but the circumstances just weren't right. Then, we slowly went on, had a few times of radio silence as well, and cold replies from her. It felt bad, it really did but things somehow always worked out in the end.
I even met up with her when I went to Johor with my sister in March. Honestly, that was a day that was really amazing. At least it was for me. We spent almost the whole day together and talked, and talked, and talked. Everything was right for that small amount of time, things were just great. Since then I decided to just blur the line and got a bit more closer as we used to. Of course with a lot more restrictions than we were together.
At the beginning of April, she did mention how this was getting really confusing for her. Think this was partially my fault ever since I blurred the line. I cared for Far, I really did, and I just wanted her to be happy. Lastly, I knew I couldn't be the person to do so, no thanks to every single goddamn obstacle there in this god-forsaken country (I'm bitter right now, bite me) Everyone was out to get me, the society, the country, the laws, my family. It's not easy. It wasn't easy at all, but I was happy. I really was. Anyway, back to the story. She needed time alone to deal with things so of course I agreed to back off. Not wholeheartedly but what can I do? I have to stop forcing her to do things my way. I feel like I've been doing that for the past year plus. I'm selfish that way. So yeah, reluctantly we agreed for things to be dealt with her way. Which is to straight up cut off communications.
We stopped talking for a good 3 weeks? Intermittently definitely I still check back on her socials, just to get an idea on how she was. Obviously being in 2023, we like to tweet cryptically and indirectly, so being an overthinker as well doesn't help. Kept thinking if anything and everything was about me. Let's be honest. The world doesn't revolve around me. She may really be better off not talking to me. It just gets so frustrating. So many things you want to share but you just can't. I respected the space, although I told myself that I would contact her again during Raya, just to wish her and hope to hear something from her again. I tell you it's the hope that kills you.
Fast forward to 22/4/2023. 1 Syawal has arrived. I was oncall that night, and I took the time off to write what I felt and honestly, I tried to include as much of my thought into that message. Sadly the first draft got deleted because I was still busy at the moment in ETD, and couldn't save the initial draft, got lost somewhere on my clipboard. Hence I retyped it and made sure that it wasn't crossing any lines, just really heartfelt words. Of course, I sent this knowing that there is a chance that she may not reply, but I really hoped that she did. I sent it around 12am because that was the only time that I was free, yet after my call ended I still didn't get a reply. I gave up hope. For her sake, I gave up waiting for a reply. So I tried to distract myself. Was still tired beyond all reason, but I followed some Ganesh and Putri and Lim out to do some Raya visiting because that was pretty much the only way I was going to distract myself (although that would mean immersing myself into more Malay culture, wtf was I thinking I don't know. I just kinda went with it (post-call brain as well). I came home from all the Raya visiting and passed out at home. By the time I woke up, she had replied around 7pm. It was... formal. I respected it, I knew it won't be as heartwarming as I thought it would be but hey, I told myself I tried, and it's not fair for me to expect her to reply passionately because that was the initial plan, to give space. I tweeted a bit just to let out my feelings a bit...
Her WhatsApp started off with a picture but after our talk to hold any more communications, the picture went down. It took me some time to unpin her from my WhatsApp too, but I did. For the next 2 days of Raya I was really feeling quite sad, to be honest. Sad that everything ended this way, but nothing can prepare me for what happened today.
After some usual cryptic tweets back and forth. I did post a tweet saying that I know she will be alright because I do. Far is a strong woman who has been through a lot in life, much more than a lot of people have and she still stands strong and walks on and thinks for her family. I admire her a lot for that. The next thing I knew, thunder struck down on my earth and instantly shattered whatever emotional stability I had. She deleted/inactivated her twitter, Instagram. It was just gone. The reel that we made, gone. The tweets that I could try to keep track of her with, gone. My link to her across the bloody south china sea, gone. I was lost. I legit was shaking, palpitations happening, and honestly felt like I could break down right there and then if it wasn't because I had company at the moment. I just couldn't believe it so I kept refreshing the pages over and over again, hoping to God that it was a glitch. It was not. It's gone. FUCK. JUST FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK. I just wanted to scream at the world and fling whatever across the room. I don't know why I can't accept it. It hurts, it just hurts to be in this situation. I promised her I would give her space, but this was abit too much to take. Maybe the cryptic tweets got too much for her to feel as well, so she decided to step away from soc med, which to be honest did cross my mind before as well, but now that it happened, I'm disconnected in Simunjan this godforsaken place. Alone with my own thoughts.
Additional stab to the heart, the playlist that she made of us when we broke up? It was gone. I turned on Spotify, and a noticeable emptiness in my playlists was heartwrenching. I'm currently at home, staring at my blog just typing whatever shit comes to my mind.
I'll end this now while I go scream at a pillow until I'm tired and pass out I guess. Farzainin, I know you will be fine because I still have that much faith in you. You do you and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, I'll be okay after a while, but it just hurts so much right now. I just hope you come back to soc med sooner or later because I want you to feel normal again. This is the 2nd death of JF❤ and knowing what life has in store for me, it's the final death of it with no resurrection in sight. Will we ever see each other again? I hope to the heavens there will be, but as of now? No hope. Eid family/couple photos aren't helping either. I hate myself and I wish to drown myself momentarily if I can. Goodnight peeps, fuck the world
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