New breath of life, new posting, same old life

 Hello peeps, here again for the update for the end of my 4th posting. As some of you may notice, I have a slightly newer blog skin (although it literally is just one of the templates that I saw in the blog, not completely satisfied with it to be honest, it takes quite a lot of searching to actually find what I want, since I don't have a complete picture in mind?), so this will do for now haha. It is officially the end of my ortho posting today!! Am actually surprised that I have enjoyed myself quite a bit over these 4 months of ortho. I mean back in PMC, ortho was really never my favourite subject, plus it's just like not really focused on that much as well? Looking back there were definitely a few MOs that stood out in helping me throughout this posting. We will slowly go into it down there I guess.

As mentioned in my previous post I guess, I was dreading going into ortho for the simple reason of I don't like orthopaedics. Bones just really aren't my thing and I couldn't care less about ligaments and shizz. These 4 months slowly changed me tho, thanks to the friendly MAs, MOs, and some fellow HOs who are nothing short of great orthopods. Clerking for Ortho is much simpler, majority of your patients come in with very little prior medical illness, which makes your life in the ward much easier. Normally patients come in due to MVAs, weird mishaps in the middle of the friggin night (which generally begs the question like wtf were u doing at this time of the night), workplace injuries (can be freaking nasty), or infection cases. Now the trauma cases, finding the fracture honestly is fun. Scanning the Xray just to detect any abnormality that can be a cause of tenderness. 

Trailing back to like tagging week of orthopaedics was just super culture shock tho. First of all the rounds were like lightspeed, especially coming from medical where the rounds are like 2-3 hours long LOL. Second day of life memang kena from MO and Specialist, lol what to do when the entire team was all taggers and we had no idea how orthopaedics even worked that time. You have to focus only on a few things, Biodata, Dx, Post op day what, Culture, Abx, dressing, Blood ix. Done. Yeah, sooner or later we got the gist of it. DXT all, supposedly it's expected for HOs to deal with it on their own. Great if ur a senior poster, if you're a first poster? Hmm.. It's tough.  Think my first memorable ED experience was with Shah and Dr Izzah where she basically taught a lot about primary survey and the primary ossification centres of a child. Think I will always remember clerking a supracondylar fracture of humerus for my first case in ortho haha. Let's not forget how horrible my offtag assessment was with Dr Rushda haha. Everyone else listening knew the answers except me and miraculously I still passed xD

Slowly as the weeks go by, then MOs start trusting you, and they let you do more procedures as well (up to proactivity really, which I have to say, not my strongest suit, hence won't say I did a full package). Ortho generally has a really chill vibe compared to the other postings. You're only really busy during the day preparing for rounds. After morning rounds, if nothing happens, it's just free time, where you pray for your patients to be stable until you go home haha. Few MOs that I really enjoyed working with was definitely Dr Srinivas who is like among the nicest MOs that don't leave you out to dry in front of the bosses, Dr Kalai, Dr Zufar, just to name a few. Like they are super committed to the job without being a total arse when troubles arise lol, definitely fun to work with. Will be happy leaving Ortho knowing I hit it off with a few MOs here as well. Regarding specialists, generally there were only 5 in the beginning (Miss Nura (HOD), Miss Amirah, Mr Robin, Mr Hijaz, and Mr Azrin). Ortho was special as it was split into two teams. I was in Miss Nura, Miss Amirah's team for 3 months and it was really nice working there because the rounds I felt are much more complete. It's like a nice pace to get things done as well. Generally the specialists were all like amazing. Miss Nura and Miss Amirah were fun as they listened to what you had to say and had mini teaching lessons as well. Mr Robin was this cool guy graduated from Manipal Melaka that had mini teaching sessions on weekends if he is oncall as well, and in the end added a lot of cool insights into the hosuemen CMEs. Mr Hijaz was cool as well as I rounded with him for peri rounds a lot so the management also makes sense, plus it's more relaxing to be with him in the OT definitely. Mr Azrin is the efficient guy who works at godspeed inside the OT. He is terribly talented, which makes it extra stressful to work with in the OT as well. Definitely. Overall, they were all amazing in their own ways la really. Speaking of OT, this is probably an ortho exclusive. The implant reps buy food and drinks for the surgeons during ELOT times, so hello to free food and drinks (which tbh are often cold by the time the HOs get to it HAHA). Quite an interesting time as well. 

Coming down a level, the HOs in Ortho are a mixed bunch. Some are amazing to work with, some are just like FML. I mean obviously I'm not gonna name names but gosh its so annoying to work with some. Luckily Preston, Tricia was pretty much always with me for every oncall so I know like it's not going to be a terrible night. Knowing you have a full team to back you up day and night always feels better. Can't say the same for the day shifts tho, can be brutal sometimes picking up other people's shit. Got back the same posting as Far again, quite excited actually since we worked and were pretty close back in medical as well, so at least that's like one less thing to worry about when I started Ortho. Sadly, only managed to work with her twice for nights, once during my first night and the second we got ED together hehe. Think we grew increasingly close throughout the posting so.. let's just see where this takes us then. 😜 I mean things are great the way they are now, even though dating is pretty much impossible due to the horrible MCO... Think that was a slight hint into my own personal life, probably too early to comment on anything for now hahaha we'll see xD. Day by day, day by day :) All I can say is it's fun hanging out with her :)

On the other hand,  Covid is definitely more rampant now compared to how it was when i last blogged. We have broken the 10k daily cases barrier and it's getting absolutely ridiculous now.  Hospitals are overcrowded, EDs are overflowing, frontliners are getting tired, resigning one by one. It's worse than before and our government honestly isn't doing much to rectify the whole situation tbh. So many guidelines and various versions of MCO, it doesn't even help at all. Covid has honestly become a HAP among HSAS and other Selangor hospitals because with the new variants, the old guidelines don't function that well anymore, plus no one is doing anything to change it. Vaccines are rolled out at an alarming pace sure but are we really winning the vaccine vs virus war. Seems, like the vaccines are still getting outpaced. Nevertheless, the vaccines do have protective properties so that's the hope that we can count on for now I guess.

Back to my life update, 5th posting will be surgery even though I requested for ED. At least I don't have to deal with the trouble of being a 6th poster in surgical. When you are a 6th poster everyone just has very different expectations of you. But yeah, definitely surgical first will be a good step although a lot of my friends are on their way to ED right now. At least Nabila will be in Surg with me hehe. I haven't been touching anything surgical for a long time, and honestly the only thing I remember now is Appendicitis, even that it's like surface knowledge. Hopefully I won't be that dumb guy huhu. Will update back mid posting if there is the need for it. For now, just want to enjoy whatever's left of my AL before the dreaded tagging periods urgh.

As usual, here are some pictures for now to leave behind! :) See y'all real soon hehe :)) Stay safe, and I mean it.

One of the many times that I have to fully don a PPE. The number of patients who got nCOV PCR positive in Ortho ward was just super alarming. Had to don way more times than when I was actually in medical lol

Attending covid positive patient with Sarah and Atiqah lol difficult ass branula.

My number for 2nd dose of Pfizer Vaccination!!

Owh yeah completely forgot about this above. So one day I was working and I got a call from the security team telling me my car got rammed in the parking lot. I was like, wtf my car was well parked in a spot. Came down to see this. The impact was so big that my car literally shifted to the right. Yeah turns out a SN was arguing with her fiance and drove off and lost control and hit my car.... She paid for everything, but still.. not fun.

With one of my favourite SN from Medical where we both ran into a bit of trouble with Dr Guna huhu.. but never the less fun!! :DD

The 4 peeps leaving Ortho together (Wani is not in this pic and so is Ainuddin)

Had so many night calls with Tricia, mostly in ED, helped me with bloods too. Super functional HO and friend hehe. See you in 6th posting la (doubt I will go Anaes tho). Shoutout to Pres also, didn't manage to get a photo with le busy HO leader xD 2 of my complaint sponges hahaha

Shahhhhh, first oncall ED with him memang all T&S he will happily do. Definitely a great friend throughout the posting hehe have fun in paeds!

With le amazing Ms Amirah and Mr Robin hehe :D

😁😉

(Probably take a better one next time without boss rushing in LOL)

Till next time peeps :D

End of Medical life . Halfway point

 First post of the year! First of all, Happy 2021 to everyone who is still reading my blog (probably just me talking to a piece of dry wall right now). I have successfully finished Medical which is my 3rd posting, which also means its the halfway point of my housemanship. Feels actually quite fast for a year to have just crept by.

Let's summarize my entire medical posting with 1 word, COVID. Can't stress how important Covid played a role in my entire medical posting. I started off my medical posting having to adjust because I came from O&G posting where patients are not sick, just a natural phase of life. Everyone has a very easy history that you just have to be aware of any past complications and how many weeks into their pregnancy are they. Everything was just so straightforward. The first few days were just me having no idea what to focus on, seeping through all the information like what do I need to present. After a while, things got better when I started to work with Dr Ong in another ward. Then, everything went smoother than before. Did help that I had some lovely senior functioning people to work with. Some of them were just first posters but work ethics were already +++. Made working so much easier. However, 1 month into medical, suddenly we had to have housemen to be in isolation wards to help at the counters. It started out with 2 clean wards, and 1 isolation wards, then cause of raising covid cases and more and more patients having SARI TRO COVID, we had 3 isolation ward and only 1 clean ward in the end. So basically for a month plus we just got sent into those wards to become full-time clerks. Do discharges, request scans, refer cases, do admissions, all for patients that we have never seen before, so you can assume how awkward it is to request scans during that point when a simple question of, does the patient have a green branula for contrast gets answered with a blunt "I don't know". LUL. Here is the funny part. Before the patient gets admitted into the iso wards, they are mostly from yellow zone in ED, which is the designated contaminated zone for SARI patients. Yet, housemen are expected to clerk, take bloods for the patients in YZ, but as soon as the patient is moved up to the ward, no... no contact. So don't you feel like the SOP makes no sense sometimes? Even for the public where last time a car could only fit 2 people and they couldn't sit like side by side. Like to be fair most of the people sharing cars would have been from the same family anyway. Then, no one wants to set proper guidelines and the samans don't make sense. Don't even get me started on the double standardness omg. Of course, that's not the main point of this post just side ranting on Malaysia's report card for the handling of covid 19. Started out wonderful, then threw it all away during the Sabah elections. Sure we can hear politicians claiming it's not due to that election, but facts don't lie. It just doesn't.

OK back to the regularly scheduled program of my life as a medical houseman. During my last month, I spent most of my time in the ED anyway. Won't say I'm the most efficient person in the ED after working with hyperefficient ppl like Vong, Iffah, Mariah. These girls are really next level when it comes to working efficiency. They cover so much. SO MUCH. Had a really fun time working with them. Honestly this time in medical I met so many amazing fellow HOs I kinda felt blessed. There were people like Preston, Jethro, Madihah, Sofia, Tharshinii, Farzainin, Chai, just to name a few. (Don't get offended if your name wasn't in, you know I appreciate u xD, that is if anyone ever reads this anyway). Definitely was also happy that there were so many ex PMC peeps here as well. Finally had the pleasure to work with Maryam (been so long since PMC days so it was definitely good to see her again, plus she got engaged halfway through the rotation, so happy for her too!). The rest of the PMC gang would be Zakwan, Sarah, Siti Sarah. Was a good time working with them. Also happy to meet some really lovely MOs along the way. Start off with the MO who was in charge of HOs. There were 2, Dr Diyanah and Dr. Farah Liana. I hardly worked with Dr Farah, so we weren't that close. Had a few oncalls with Dr Diyanah and she was really something else. She listens to your plans, she trusts you and she makes sure you get to rest and eat as well. Plus, she is confident and can manage to hold off the never-ending (sometimes trashy) referrals from ED. Also managed to share some clinic time with her during the final weeks. She was an absolute delight to work with, loved it. Some other MOs that were memorable to work with would definitely be Dr Ong, Dr Yim, Dr Firdaus, Dr Ting, Dr Azreen, Dr Jalil, just to name a few. Everyone has their ups and downs so its all a good mix to work with.

So also back to why medical rotation is being summarized by the word covid. To be fair, I don't think I learned that much from this medical rotation as I thought I would, or as much as I hoped I would. As I said, 1 month plus in Covid wards basically means you don't get to see patients, you don't get to do any procedures at all. Till today since I'm done with medical rotation, I'm still not very confident in doing medical procedures like any type of drainage. Seen FVC insertions a couple of times already so maybe yeah I can do that. Just generally I will have a lack of confidence when doing those things. Compared to Dr Ting who was a HO in HSAS as well. Well, he is on another level, definitely would have been the star houseman during his days. Junior MO but super confident and good at medical knowledge and the procedures. Like, that's the level you strive to achieve really. To be fair, I can't fully blame it on Covid, cause I've actually been really lazy since I started medical rotation anyway. I studied way less for this rotation compared to the previous ones, but somehow still managed to survive through it? For a person who was thinking of taking the MRCP, I was definitely way off track. Definitely. So don't expect me to be a good medical MO when I become a MO later HAHA. FML. Just don't wanna be a useless MO. Trust me, when HOs start labelling you as the useless MO, it's quite demoralizing. 

Anyway, to be fair I enjoyed my medical rotation quite a lot. It was a fun 4 months, with really friendly people and specialists. Makes u unafraid to speak up and say what you think. Special shout out to Dr. Rosdina. Hands down, HANDS DOWN my favourite specialist. Started working with her when I was in my first month, having ward rounds with her, it just motivates you to be better. Even during CMEs her inputs are wonderful and I was lucky enough to have her as my assessor and CME supervisor. She was fun and the assessment was quite stress free (Although I have to say I really royally fucked it up lol. If I was the assessor I believe I would have failed myself, that's how bad it was xD). Also, near the end of my posting, I lent my stethoscope to my MO Dr Azreen who brought it with her to have rounds with Dr Dina in Resus. She lent it to Dr Dina and it was lost for a whole night. Somehow miraculously Dr Dina found it at 5am when she was rounding in resus again. Apparently it was at the cardiac table (which I assume someone else was using for a whole day before realizing it wasn't theirs and placed it on the cardiac table). What shocked me the most was, she knew I was night shift in ED that night and held on to the steths, drove to the hospital at night JUST TO PASS ME THE STETHS. This is some next level dedication and I really hope I become a specialist with values like her. It honestly is truly inspiring. So so many people to look up to in Medical, really time to improve myself.

On a side note, I got my Covid vaccination already!! Did the Pfizer one and the first dose has been kind to me other than a simple sore arm. Apparently the second dose is worse, so.. we shall see on 1st of April hehe xD

Anyway, am still single now. Reiterating every post about how hard it is to find anyone in HSAS at all. I did hit it off with some fellow Malay HOs (and one patient xD), but u know, it's always hard due to the religious difference. If I didn't care about the religious difference I would have still been together with Abigail LOL. I mean nothing against Islam and all, I really can't give up pork HAHA. It's just way too good. So, continue the hunt for a girlfriend I guess. Not actively, but if it comes, it comes. 

Lucky enough to clear all my leaves at the end of the medical rotation. Took all my ALs and a few off days, managed to get 10 days off in a row. Obviously I wanted to use this time to go to Penang if it was even remotely possible, but due to the RMCO conditions set by the government, I was basically forced to be in Selangor for the entirety of my off day. It's still not too bad. Spent most of my time in front of my laptop as usual. Played a few games here and there, went out and tried a bunch of food that I've never tried. Also caught up with a few of my old friends as well. Had a very nice videocall with YiHwa, with Intan who is doing well in Ireland. Had a nice drinking session with Hon, David and Michelle, met up with the District Flare boys. It was a nice chill week I guess. Only yesterday I was notified that I'm going to orthopaedics next. How do I even feel about this LOL. It sucks. I don't like ortho. I DON'T LIKE ORTHO. I SUCK AT IT. OMG. ok rant over. Let's just put our heads down and brave this 4 months. It will pass by in a flash. I hope. Haiz.

As previous posts, stay strong and healthy, love you peeps, keep the positivity alive and see y'all soon hehe :) <3

Selfie with Far during our Iso ward stints xD

Truth of how I have to type everyday in the hospital xD

With Amalina due to the absurd number of times we were both oncall in ED at the same time HAHA

With Mariah le anti-J that I need in ED everytime I'm there HAHA

Me and my half asleep eyes with the ducky N95 mask pre-vaccine

Proof of vaccination :D

Sofia another stable force in Medical and a wonderful friend hehe xD

One of the many times I've fallen asleep in the iso ward HAHAHA

With Dr Zarul before he left HSAS for a much more chill place hahaha

With the amazing Dr. Diyanah during our final weeks

Final oncall with Dr Azreen in ED. Was a lovely night indeed hehe :DD

New Covid Wave, another time

Hey yooo, new update. Guess what, CMCO started again and we became an unwanted children againnnn.

I am currently finishing up my second posting in O&G in Hospital Shah Alam. The dream team of Mark, me , ain and ezzlyn have broken up so sad. However, the good thing now probably would be the abundance of PMC ppl in HSAS. Currently in O&G, I have Fatin Faizul with meee haha. She was definitely a great help to my early life in HSAS. Also, Wei Jin also helped make me feel much more comfortable there. I am already three months into O&G as I went to HSAS so I went there being a senior in O&G already, its kinda weird. I know the stuff from O&G but the system cracked my brain up. Especially like who was in charge of what. It started off really frustrating cause it seemed like a lot of work. The way they arranged the jobs was a bit questionable. Some were better than in HSB but it definitely needed getting used to.

Don't know if it's the new environment or not, the dread to go to work is even stronger now. It's shitttt. I would be even dreading like the day before work. Probably cause of the workload as well and it's getting a lot to handle cause of the Sungai Buloh cases piling on as well. Getting used to the system is taking a bit out of me as well. Not to mention some of the housemen here that are awfully malignant. Even for a first poster. Like seriously, cut it back a bit. No one is a fantastic houseman in their first month. The fact that people have the balls to ask how to do anything means they wanna learn. So it really isn't that hard to ask right? Pipe it down. I just kept telling myself its only 3 more weeks. Will be done in exactly 18 days (when I'm typing this lol). Don't know if I actually want it to end faster or not. Starting a new rotation comes with new challenges, and oh god the tagging. THE TAGGING. Those ungodly hours again. Don't know where I'm heading to next tho. Hmmm... Probably going to be medical based again since I'm already done with a surgical posting. Which pretty much means I'm going to be in medical next. We shall see. Will apply for my EOP leaves soon tho. Was initially planning to get a trip up to Penang again, but with the CMCO again right now, don't think that will actually happen at all.

Next, let's talk about this CMCO. It is honestly a big ass joke. Work from home is pretty much mandatory. Fine I get that. We get to dine in which is good and good for business all around. What I don't get is we can't watch movies in cinemas yet malls remain open. People still go to the malls and if you are really putting a CMCO in effect, and the mall cluster is the biggest in Selangor, why do u even bother to keep the CMCO on? Cinemas are dying, people are losing their jobs, cases are still on the rise, politicians still be fighting over power at these times. honestly this CMCO is going nowhere in my opinion and is making everyone's lives hard, other than the politicians, who are still enjoying life from all the meetups and dinners and shit. It's so disheartening to see people getting retrenched left right and centre. So either u go for a complete lockdown again, or suffer economic burnout for dragging out this CMCO. Unpopular opinion, open up CMCO and get life to continue as usual. That way everyone gets primary immunity, while u make sure the susceptible population stay home and protected, in a way. Sounds good on paper but will probably involve alot of deaths lol. I mean, better than dragging this shit out and looking at Sabah collapsing is just, sad. It's real sad. 

In other news, Abigail and I talked recently again after like a month of not talking? Partially cause she is happily with someone else now and I don't wanna stir shit up by being that ex who constantly keeps in touch with their ex. Just causes alot of unnecessary drama especially for some people who aren't keen on exes being friends. It's honestly been a year plus of being single now and can't lie that I don't look back at the past 4-5 years. Housemanship has been tough as u can read from my blog posts. Thought it would be ok for me since I considered myself a happy go lucky person, but I guess it's finally taking a toll on me in a way. I do have moments that I dread going to work, even if this is only my second posting and I tend to do OK in the hospital? I can't even explain why exactly I feel that way, probably cause of the fear of MOs berrating at me, I dunno. The workload in Shah Alam is no joke as well due to the increased patient visits so that's hard. Back to the relationship part, people keep asking me do I not see anyone that interests me in the hospital? Back in Sungai Buloh probably 1 or 2, but they are unavailable or can't due to complex religious issues (which I really don't want to revisit). So, short answer would be no, no one, Plus, probably not alot of people's cup of tea. I'm literally a stick right now, being like 55kg, lost about 5kg since HO started, no thanks to the amazing meal times I have (oh wait they pretty much don't exist).  Also, probably another reason is the fact that I'm probably immature in alot of people's eyes. I'm the guy who skips down the hallway flinging my arms here and there like I don't care about anything in the world, which is partially true cause I don't actually care what other people think of me that much, which serves as a double edged sword. So until someone really likes me, I'll probably be single for a while. Can't say its nice cause over the course of HOship, was hoping that I have someone close to rant to, to just hang out and forget about the hospital for a bit. Don't know if its the MCO or what, but that's even hard to come by, just like a good ol hug ya know.

More on the part where I tend to look back at past memories. Probably people who really know me know that I'm a person that likes to hold on to memories. I still have a box specifically for Abby and I's relationship with all the tickets, the souvenirs and stuff all in it. That's the problem. I think I live too much in the past. I think about the trips we go to in Singapore eating food, the places that I brought her to eat here in Malaysia, even while jogging I think about that 10km Mo Run in Dublin. It's bad for me. It honestly is because I'll be the person longing for things to go back to then while everyone else has moved on. I still have picture of JY and me stored up in another box, but she is already happy with her current bf as well. Everyone moved on and I'm the dumbass holding on to those moments and not letting go. I think the problem would be me cherishing those moments a bit too much, that I constantly like relive those moments while doing anything that is similar to those moments. Really need to start looking forward. I watch so many Singaporean Youtubers as well like NOC Food Kings, our grandfather story, Eatbook etc. It gets hard cause I start wondering when can I go to Singpoare again. Now, there just isn't any reason to anymore and its hard. I am unsure that I miss the city or miss the relationship, Anyhow, Abigail has moved on, JY has moved on (not that we ever started even lol). It really is time for me to move on.

So hopefully I end on a good note here in Hospital Shah Alam. It is a nice place but just needs getting used to their systems again. Will update when I'm feeling more pensieve again. Till then, take care, don't get Covid. Love y'all. :)

As usual I try to end with some photos now so, here goes! :DD Last few days in O&G HSB :)

With probably my favourite shift of nurses in HSB LR, feat the all helpful and wonderful Kak Mutiara!!!

The O&G original housemen (post-Covid 1st wave hehe) with our completed logbooks!!

The original UM peeps all postcall hehe miss u peeps!

With Dr. Ainaa and Dr. Ain who helped my logbook so much ahaha

Suraya, miss first poster that we have became quite good friends :)

Final oncall shift people!!

Last photo of us trying to at least social distance HAHAHA

That's all folks. See ya next time :)

Back to Sungai Buloh we go!

3rd post of the year and 3 months from the previous post. Compared to last year, this is a MAJOR improvement I would say. (pat myself at the back).

Continuing on from my previous post, where I was innocently 2 weeks into my housemanship. In the end, I settled down in ward 7PA, which was basically a neonate and gastro ward. I learned quite a lot from there regarding neonatal care and some gastro cases (eg: HSP which was fun and annoying to deal with as well). Had amazing MOs as well like Dr Chiang, Dr Claudia, Dr Daniel and later added a Dr Rhinaa. All of them were really helpful and was honestly quite fun to work with. Dr Claudia and I never actually bonded as well as with the other MOs guess she just didn't think too much about me huh HAHA is fineee. Worked with Shanna and Nadiah from my batch in there. Most housemen that I worked with were more than helpful and an absolute joy to work with. Sure there were the occasional ones that I'm just like not super keen to work with, but luckily my night shift mates have been nothing but excellent. I had the pleasure to work with Yee Theng, Navenia, Cassandra, just to name a few. 7PA gave me loads of exposure to deal with neonates and gastro patients. Although sticking a cannula into a baby is still hard ass work. Really hard to stick that thing properly. urgh.

After that, I moved on back to 8PB as my second ward placement. I got 2 general wards for my paeds posting which tbh wasn't ideal. I kinda was hoping to get PICU for 2 reasons. Simply because it would be nice to learn how to work in an ICU setting as a houseman, to see how differently things worked, and also because there just isn't that many PICUs in Malaysia and I had the opportunity to work in a hospital with one. Oh well, but things worked out anyway. Sure 8PB wasn't what it was cause there was a shuffling of MOs and specialists. I still kinda enjoyed my time there. My laptop did die like 3 minutes after a MO used it. The hard drive just straight up got fried. Literally spent an entire day just trying to fix it in the ward lol. In the end, had to spend 2 weeks laptop-less and finally got a new MSI GF65 Thin for myself. 2nd new laptop in my life ever. Now my plan is to get a new hard drive and load that with windows and shove it into the Asus G56JR and probably let my mum use it or something, It is kinda busted in a way where the battery life just kinda dies shortly after u plug out. No idea why till today. Went to the shop and he told me there is no use fixing the battery OR the casing (which is faulty cuz it causes the bottom lid to pop up when u open the top lid LUL), cause it is memang a known problem with that model. So, still scouting around for hard drive + windows. Probably just getting a SSD and copy my windows from this laptop over to that laptop I guess. Was planning to get a super light one that fulfils my gaming needs, hence this MSI GF65, BUT, not long after I got this laptop, the letter from KKM came. Its time for us to head back to reality, to where we were supposed to call home, Hospital Sungai Buloh.

After being in Sungai Buloh for a month now, there are definitely a few things I miss from PPUM. First of all is definitely the fully automated system. How nice it was to walk around and key in notes during rounds straight away. Sungai Buloh has this makeshift system where it is a "computerized system" but its really not effective AT ALL.  You have to follow rounds, write shit on a piece of paper and then transfer later into the system. Unlike everything in UM which is pretty much in the system already, you have to double-check as to what is in the file and what is in the system. Then, during rounds, some MOs don't allow you to print out the cases. So is either u get here like 3 hours early and manage to review and memorize/note down EVERY SINGLE DETAIL about the patient into few pieces of paper, OR u can just print out the latest review I GUESS. Some MOs want to print a review and put it in the file as well, which gets u thinking what's the point then if ur just gonna print it out to read it. It's like everything is super redundant. I know we can't be like UM where everyone gets to bring laptop on wheels, (cause Sg Buloh uses intranet instead of an internet pfftt). That is honestly the main problem. And like there are way less HOs to cover a certain ward. Like on calls I have to deal with 2 wards. Why? Why can't it be one per ward? I know, lacking HO, which really freaking sucks. It does. 

I honestly could complain on and on about my life right now because I'm not exactly in a very happy and healthy state right now. Just constantly like moping around all the time, but honestly during my off day on my birthday, I just had to tell myself I really need to pick myself up and slug through this. I'm only 5-6 months into my housemanship, and with so many postings to go (which is all going to get way worse). It's hard tho. It's hard trying to convince urself ur doing fine, where everyday u go to work, it's like constant fear of MOs finding fault within ur work. It's not even that, you open WhatsApp and the creeping feeling of shittiness comes back when the MOs start blasting on the group. Even some on mistakes that are clearly not capable of being made by a HO. It's like the first instinct for everything is always HO first. It gets tiring really fast. Maybe cause it's basically my first rotation in HSB, where things are a bit different from UM. The culture is definitely different. Well after speaking to my seniors about it, it pretty much is just part of life and sooner or later I will get used to this. It is kind of sad that things have resulted to this sort of manner. Before actually starting HO, you hear stories about this and how you think you would be able to shake it off no problem. Then it happens to you and you just feel like shit. Like literal shit. At least for me. Bouncing back once is no problem, and then it gets tougher and tougher as you start to build a mental blockade against yourself. Not good. So all in all, really need to learn to not get beat down from mistakes.

"Okay, at this point this post has actually been delayed for far far too long. I think I started typing this in July? and its already mid September. Believe it or not. I'm that unproductive when I get home. Yes. HAHA"

So today marks the 2 months that I've been in this rotation and only 1 more month till I have to pass up my logbook. Looking at my logbook, feels like I'm fucked. Not a single CME or case presentations done. Feels so different when you are actually doing a proper manual logbook, unlike UM's e-logbooks. You don't have to face the MOs who are giving you their signature of approval. It's so annoying like. Yeah, I have a few MOs that I feel are ok at giving me their signatures without too much of a fuss, but filling in the registration numbers are hard as well. Oh well, hopefully things improve in the next week and I get more things done. Hopefully. 

Things have been ok so far in UM. I had a chance to go do an EMLSCS with my mentor who is Dr. Shairah and honestly it was eye-opening at the speed of which the Caesar was done. In and out in 30 minutes boom. Granted that there was an episode of failed spinal in which the whole thing was delayed for a good 20 minutes and plus it was a case of "foetal distress" (which honestly half the time it doesn't feel like a "foetal distress". So that was nice. She is honestly one of the most knowledgable and helpful drs that I know out there. It's very nice when I get to work with her. Although with that being said I really do have to up my knowledge game a bit. Yeah, I do know about the basics of things but not the whole bunch of it. When they start asking about specifics I'm always feeling stunted lol like what am I supposed to answer haha. TBH I don't really have a great source to read from too. Back in PMC, I relied on 2 books, the Malaysian guidelines for O&G and also Hwee's. I still have Hwee's but I don't have the Malaysian Guidelines anymore and tbh some of it I can only find in there like Rh negative mother sensitizing events kinda thing. Hopefully I can find the CPG hmm or maybe just list of topics so that I can read online. One more problem is Gynae problems. They are like stuff that I hardly encounter. I took care of EPAU the other day then at least only I have like some idea of stuff. If not die lo I tell you. PV bleed here PV bleed there. Definitions also another one. some AUB la some HMB la, intermenstrual bleed la. LOL forgot all d xD

Anyway, now that is left to do is buckle up and finish what I started. As I'm writing this Covid cases are back on the rise so I'm seriously hoping there will be no PKP2.0 where we will be shipped out again. I don't think I can deal with this.

Also, to wrap it up, just came back from a gathering with the choir peeps after so long and finally seeing Zhi Jie after that boy has been away for so long. It felt really good to go see them post night shift summore. Can't lie that feel like I needed that quite badly. Was getting tad bit depressed from working. Meeting shitty people in the hospital can just be so 🙄🙄🙄 Just felt so nice to spend a whole night hanging out with them peeps and catching up. Walking around with lanterns as well like we are a bunch of primary school kids hahaha classic xD Love you guys to the moon and back.

That's probably it for now. Hopefully everything goes well and up from here. Need to toughen myself up mentally and just try and go on from here. Update here soon I guess. 😜

Lovely people lovely night ❤️

Birthday gift from da jie hehehe thanks ❤️

Birthday dinner as well ❤️

Week 2 of housemanship (adding some photos again cause its fresher that way :D)

Hello non-existent people who still bother to look out for this blog! It's been two months since the last update hehe I'll see how much can I actually fit into here.

So general update, I have started my housemanship now and it's been 2 weeks now. Let's recap the whole journey then from february where I was still working in Circuit Communications. Went back to work there from January just to help out for some stuff. I was working and just got to writing some articles for doctor on call, and suddenly, THE EMAIL CAME! Ok, the email was basically telling us when the eho fight will be, the next day which is a Tuesday 18th Feb. Yes. KKM was so amazing that they gave out the email ONE DAY before eHO opens. Just amazing. Good thing I already caught wind of the proposed date (which was originally Wednesday 19th Feb lul) and told Angela that my last day working was Monday. Honestly, that Monday night I still didn't have a clue on where I wanted to go. There were so many choices in my head. Do I want to go through with my Sabah plan? Do I want to be near home instead, seeing as KKM isn't exactly handing out permanent MO posts on a silver plate anymore... If near home where? UM? Shah Alam? Sungai Buloh? I did consult Nelson on Hospital Sungai Buloh the night before and he did bring up some good points about it. So I started a list and watched some videos on telegram on how others did it. My final list in the end was this:

1) PPUM
2) Hospital Sungai Buloh
3) Hospital Tuanku Ja'afar, Seremban
4) Hospital Serdang (just cause I have a friend there xD)
5) Hospital Kajang (cuz i have 2 lovely seniors there)

Went on Tuesday with Michelle to SS15 at about 10am plus and had breakfast while our nerves were settling in. Met up with Syabana and Aqilah at the cyber cafe and prepped ourselves. Filled in the autofill, downloaded the extensions and just waited. The wait was very nerve breaking tbh, especially after 11:50am. At 11.58am, everyone was already spam entering their details. Then, the crashes start to slowly happen as the time creeped to 12pm. Enter, fail, enter, fail, enter, crash, next tab, repeat. Finally went in after a slight crash and refresh, and the first page filled in everything and then it had an error. THE BLOODY PHONE NUMBER. First of all, it's autofilled by the system so we didn't have to actually type it in, and the house number wasn't compulsory. The red circles was around the house number and phone number. So in the moment of panic, I filled in my house number, which STILL didn't work lol. Turns out, it was my phone number, lacking a 0 infront of the 017, so is 17 instead... LIKE WHY. but fine, filled it in, next page, A levels, 2014, next page, ALRIGHT LETS PICK!

PPUM, 4 kekosongan.

Click, Tick, Hantar. MAAF. shit.

Out, look at my list, look at the list, Hospital Sungai Buloh (22 kekosongan).

Click, Tick, Tahniah. phew.

Not really the final page but went back to snap a photo of this lul

By 12.03, most of the people were already done with their choices, the girl opposite me with BOTH her parents got her wanted hospital, HTJ seremban. Mix of sighs of relief and sighs of disappointment around the CC. Mixed feelings for everybody. Now I picked HSB knowing fully that it was a Covid centre, which is part of the attracting factor for me. Cause it's definitely something still kinda new and being there would open my eyes to how a pandemic changes the operations. Oh how did I know that Covid would change my life so much. It was a one month break between eHO and the Program Transformasi Minda so I spent the month just chilling, finishing The Witcher game, and all around prepping the documents and chop for working in Sungai Buloh. Also, had a really fun outing with Zi Ning in SS15 that lasted a good 6 hours without even realizing it hahahah. Hung out with choir gang too at Melanie's house for good lasagna (This was CNY time).

Much fun le outing hehe :D

CNY Melanie house gathering

District Flare +1 :D

Steamboat with Brendon and Mai in 1 Utama.

Fast forward 3 weeks, Covid 19 cases were slowly increasing and things were getting more serious, with talks of lockdowns, borders closing coming in, panic buying toilet papers? (don't ask me why, I still don't understand. Some say toilet papers can make makeshit masks but I still don't buy that). I got my PTM location, EDC Hotel KL and somehow the PTM got changed from the normal 5 days to a shortened 3 days (again, very last minute announcement). This PTM location was shared between Sungai Buloh, Ampang and HTAR Klang. I went with Michelle and checked in to find that I'm sharing with 2 guys ( instead of 2 per room which I've been expecting dear god). Also, this time of Covid u wanna put 3 guys who god knows went where in the past week to sleep together in a small ass room? hmmm.... sure....

So, checked in at PTM and the timetable itself was kinda bullshit LOL. Check in time was 2pm, but they decided screw this, we shall allocate till 4pm for check in. LIKE WHY. So we sat there doing nothing for 2 hours... Mun Hon and I sat together with Michelle, Syabanna, Adli, and Muzakkir. There were a few interesting talks tbh, but I was nodding off half the time (in the front row mind you). Bad room experience as well cause someone just doesn't know how to shower with the curtains closed like WUT. You go in and then the floor outside the shower looks like a tidal wave passed by =.= are you kidding me...  Then, we get fed like 5-6 times a day. The food was decent, not bad, just didn't have that much appetite really. Their cafe did have a RM6.90 promotion on their chicken chop but we didn't manage to get it due to the constant food being fed lol.

But yeah, first night of PTM, suddenly they tell us, HSB people are being transferred to PPUM. I honestly have mixed feelings in me that time cause I was kinda looking forward to go HSB already. Another news, PTM was being cut short to Tuesday night, so 2 days of  PTM only. Doctors are expected to check in at their hospitals on Thursday (19 March). Everything just got put on a fast forward train to OMG SHIT IS GETTING REAL. The government also announced on Monday night that movement control order (MCO) will begin on Wednesday (18 March) where travel between states are restricted, everyone is advised to stay at home and most workplaces are off. Things are serious now. However, all these last minute announcements really screwed me up as well. Each hospital has a list of documents they need and I needed my photocopy shop to be open. Now UM is added to my list of worries as they need ANOTHER set of documents, jeeeezzzzzz. I had to drive around to find a shop to get my photocopy machine and to print my photos it was so horrible. In the end, I printed my photo on an A4 paper LUL (it worked btw).

Met a new friend there Esther who is gonna be in Hospital Ampang hehe :)

So Thursday, I drove to HSB for the first time in my life and got a first glance at it. It was really big and it looked quite spacious. Tbh, everything looked really nice cause I went to Penang hospital for the past 2.5 years, so anything is an improvement LOL. There were lanes for Covid patient set out which was kinda cool. Hospital was quite empty as HSB has now closed their doors to any non Covid cases. We went there and guess what, they tell us stay here first, UM not sure if they want you. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL joke. JOKE. After filling out the forms, by noon they said now u can go UM already. So travelled back to PJ, bought ipoh chicken rice in front of CHS hehe for old times sake and went to UM. Didn't know where to parked so parked on top of ED. 2.5 hours cost me RM5 wew cray cray. But first day nothing much, just got our emails and passwords and basic set ups. The orientation was also the shortest in UM history, being only 2.5 days. The next 2 days were just lectures on basic stuff (that i dozed off for, in the front row again LOL).

Paeds batch woohoo! :)

So, I started my UM journey in Paediatrics, ward 8PB with Ain. The others in paediatrics were Mark, Shing Li, Nadiah, and Shanna. 2 in each ward. Apparently I was in the old ward of Zu Yao's sister and she dropped a message to my sis saying it's a good ward xD I'm still like I'll judge by the time I go to the ward hehe. Turns out it was the best ward I could ever ask for to start my housemanship, especially in paeds hehe. It is a cardio and respi ward, with lodgings by ophthal, ent. I walked in and I met up with some housemans and it only took me a few days to kinda really blend in with them which is great. One level above I get my lovely medical officers Dr. Yeoh, Dr. Mukmin and Dr Sa'adah. They can be tough when needed but they are open for discussions and teachings which encourages me to just try and present or discuss answers cause I won't get bombed down so fast. It was amazing. Then, one level above are my specialists Dr. Lim and Dr Chan. Dr Lim is the neurology specialist who tickles our brain with loads of questions regarding the patient's chronic conditions. He also taught us slightly about ventilations and all so it was really fun. Dr. Chan meanwhile is more stern who requires loads of laptops (one care chart, one results, one type) but also likes to teach. He makes his assessments into teaching sessions for HOs and MOs alike. Seeming that this is a teaching hospital, maybe this is usual kot haha.

Sadly, once I really got close to my ward, 8PB was converted into a Covid ward out of a sudden, and we were all moved away. That was like when the nightmare begun. I was moved to 8PA with the patients for 2 days and it was not fun lol. Their MOs were not like ours and I got shouted at as well (for something that wasn't even about me, just the way I was standing LOL). Yeah, shit. Then they said that we have too many HOs and wanted to rest some of us at home, which initially was a wonderful news. HOWEVER, they changed it suddenly and said they are going to shove some HOs to ANOTHER hospital due to the lack of learning opportunities. FML. List came out, all of my batch in Paeds kena, even Nadiah who got her UM posting also was included. So now, I don't even know where I'm going, when I'm going, and how everything is going to work out lol. I was having fun working in 8PB and then now all of this is going to end again lol. PLUS I just got off tagged, and if we go to a new hospital, probably we will need to tag again. I crai. I really do crai. T.T

But yeah, so far its only like this I guess. Housemanship is still going on, only 2 weeks in, 1 year and 50 weeks to go lol. Other than that, probably nothing much to update haha. Still single, no blossoming relationship. I'm fine with that :) Till next time!

Year of Revelation

Only the second post of the year and it's only 4 days away till the start of a new decade. Yes, I've agreed so many times that I've slacked too much on my blogging habits it's just sad at this point.

I just finished my caroling session with The Singaholics after like 5 years of absence and the feeling was actually quite great. Think I needed it to reconnect with people from choir cause it certainly has been a while and the company was really good. The joy of performing as well. Gosh, it's been so long! Plus, it's fun to know a few new people like Shin Pey and Venice who are like super young hahaha compared to the old relics like Jie Ying, Ting Jia, Calvin and I. The whole process was definitely enjoyable! I even just realized that one of the pianists Julin was actually my childhood friend's sister. Which was like a major WTF moment when it came to light. Not to mention the 96s who basically planned the whole caroling gig together. Nice to try and get to know the juniors more like Hui Yi, Pei Lin, Xi Rong... Just to name a few la :D

Other than that, I worked 2 months in a PR firm and have been doing odd jobs here and there just to get some income and make me feel less guilty about staying home ya know. It's honestly nicer to have like a proper 9-5 job so that I can get into a routine unlike now where everything is like topsy turvy and it kinda feels like my life is a mess. But as I typed this blog post and procrastinated for the past few days, it is currently the last day of the year already. These past few days have been quite meh to be honest no thanks to my AGE episode I guess, not sure if it actually is just been pooping water. Yeah... it hasn't been the greatest.

So looking back at this year, I graduated medical school only to find out that the job prospect is getting shittier and shittier. Should I have applied back to Dublin? God knows honestly at this point. Might have regretted not applying but it would have meant another year waiting as well, so ok let's hope MOH treats me well next year.  (Midway typing this, it is now the 1st of January of 2020, this is how badly I procrastinate ladies and gentleman, it makes me wanna smack myself in the head. SO HARD) So career aspect wise, all I can do right now is cross my fingers and hope everything works out for me. I might not be the brightest kid out there (Vivien pretty much grounded all of us by just showing how incredible she is lol), but hell I should really put in the effort this year to actually push myself since the future is getting so bleak. I might be helping out my college to recruit some poor souls into the medical field as well for money so I guess I will update on how that is after a while.

Let's not forget the big "highlight" of this year was pretty much the breakup. Have to say adjusting life back to being single was definitely not the easiest thing. It was a void that had to be filled someway or somehow like you just lose someone you constantly talk to and share pretty much everything with. It's been like what 5 months since the breakup? Can't say that I'm 100% the same as I was before cause I dunno, still can't get over this spitefulness I have over Christianity. I just still can't get over the fact of the inferiority complex that surrounds it like jeez. I support all religions as pretty much no religion teaches bad things (this might be debatable), but it's like join us or perish in the fires of Tartarus. =.= Will really need to learn to get over this one day. Really. Think it's hurting the way I look at people too. Abigail and I are definitely still friends and I don't see a reason for us to stop being friends really, and she is busy with her houseman-ship too so all the best to all of us who are gonna go through the gauntlet! :D

Moving forward, I guess this year would definitely get worse and worse as it goes by cause, first of all, we still don't have our flying car hmmm... ok just a casual jibe at Wawasan 2020 to start off the future lul. OKAY! So yeah, houseman-ship starts in about 2 or 3 months. Am I ready for it? Probably not since I've pretty much forgotten a lot of stuff. The thing that scares me the most really is when I'm supposed to be on call in the ward alone with my MO being MIA, and a critical thing happens. This is why, I'm gonna make it a thing to actually revise all my blood investigation interpretations, especially ABGs and god don't even get me started on those blood taking skills. It will be awful. To the first few months of patients that will have to endure my tremor, I am so sorry. I do notice my tremors are getting more apparent, which does bring up more flags and hopefully it isn't due to hyperthyroidism which I've been suspecting for years just lazy to do any tests. So here is to hope that the tremor resolves itself by the time I start my houseman.

As for relationships, I guess I will see how life brings me about? I don't really know what to do now since I haven't actually confirmed where am I going to do my HO-ship. If the government is hell-bent on cutting my pay then of course I'll stay nearer to home, but if not probably I could still venture out. So that leaves the question hanging to if I even do get a girlfriend now, where would we end up? This whole doctor thing basically casts a giant question mark on my life so that's why I wanted my other half to at least be in the same field cause if not it's gonna be very difficult really. Am I seeing anyone now? No. Although just chilling and talking with someone now and see how the whole conversation goes. We shall see about this one haha, doesn't seem to be going anywhere tho xD Too long off this game I can't read signs anymore. Anyhow, can just be friends anyway hehe :) Slowly ba, 顺其自然. Everything should work out deee... hehe :D

I think that's all I have to say for now, it's nothing much really just decided to do some quick update about my life as part of my mini-reflection for the end of the year. In the end, this post didn't reveal as much reflection as much as I thought it would, partially cause I think I did it on my own when I was having my AGE episodes HAHAHA! Yeah, hopefully will get to more blog posting this year (pretty sure everyone would roll their eyes by looking at this now cause I've said it SO. MANY. TIMES) and to less procrastination definitely. See you guys real soon aite :) <3 p="">

起死回生了吧

觉得此刻说啥也没用了。部落格死了就是死了没借口了HAHA!! 这次回来时当然有目的的。看久了的人都知道，没大事或心里烦着事这里都不会有文章出现吧。这次也应该是有史以来第一次用华语来写，都有自己的原因的。还有，可能某些人会发现有一个post不见了。引起了太多纠纷，还是拿了下来吧。

有在跟我消息的人都知道我在都柏林读书的时候认识了一位新加坡女生，也随后作为我的女朋友。之后的4年都过得非常的幸福，虽然一年半后都是在LDR，当然的不是理想的画面吧。但是一向来从一开始就有一个问题就一直被扫到地毯下，双方都不想拿出来谈谈。明白的，真的是个敏感的问题吗。。。 大问题就出在宗教这儿吧。觉得其他问题别说先吧。

起初真的不觉得是什么大问题，反正我也用了2个月的时间来想好才正式和她告白的啊。他想去教堂他就去啊，反正话说到来没有宗教是教坏的东西的啊。当然，觉得全世界都懂基督教徒都是有一个想法，就是想要对方也是个基督教徒。第3个月在一起时，他也有问过我了，但我就打他一句：”如果我叫你改，你也不会改啊，怎么我一定要改呢？” 其实，现在想回去，说这也挺自私的吧。不知道是坚决理念，还是真的是自私。人家的宗教是需要这样的一个规则，反而我不合作就算了，还在为难人。但就那次过后，她再也不提了。我也有时候陪她去教堂。在爱尔兰的那段日子都真的是过得很不错的。只是，我在哪儿真的是很顾着省钱，所以真的是在那儿捎带她出去，就不如我的朋友们，那么的宠自己的女朋友。真是对不起。

如果你现在在怀疑为什么我那么坚决不转教，原因有几个。第一，我本身是拜观音的，小时体弱多病，妈妈也帮我拜了很多次，最终也做为了观音的干儿子。在我肚子出发状况时，都是由心里的观音在保佑的念头才熬得过的。所以对我来说，我真的看得蛮重的，是我心里的一大精神之柱。第二，就真的是觉得没这个必要啊。可是就一直觉得他们都一直默默地很想要我进基督教，所以到最后真的有了点反感。可是，他的新加坡教堂的人，真的是不错的。人都很好，也许是自己给自己的一种压力，觉得终是有种压迫感，就还一直问Abigail我转化成基督教的计划如何了。再加，我也不是说很赞同他们所说的某些道理。总之，我就是缺乏了对基督教的一种信仰。详细资料，我应该也不想再谈下去了。

LDR一旦开始了后，大家就有很多时间在自己做自己的东西，也有很多时间来想关于这份感情的终点。其实，她一直都有在像我们就近如何才能够最后在同一个地方在一起。说好了到最后我需要到新加坡做工。虽然心里是有点不舍，但是还是答应了，可是详细地怎么能到那儿工作还是个未知数，也就是他想搞清楚的一方面。我就比较吊儿郎当，就想考个MRCP才过去。女人最终也是要个安全感，而真的不想把未来当成个未知数，所以我们的想法也不一样了。

其实这4年真的过得非常好，吵架也很少。只是来了着一个东西也是难免的。旁观者清。朋友们有些都预料了这一个结果。本来是想证明给大家看，我们可以度过一切的，但也别再自欺欺人了。简单来说，他要的那一种生活我暂时是给不到的。现在大家都已经24岁了，也真的该为未来着想。既然我们的路相逢的机会真的不高，那么现在就断了吧。听起来真的觉得太可惜了，因为都觉得除了宗教和距离，我们都还蛮配的。所以，就记住这日25/7/2019，我们双方就和平分手了。分开时，哭的要死不死，难看死了。但就永远会记住这4年，过的每一个好时光，每一个难关，一起挣扎的日子。看回去，都还蛮值得的。:)

芝慧，其实还有蛮多东西是想和你一起做的，但是可能缘分真的那么不够吧。这一个blog post 也是用了2个星期的时间来写的。写时感触很多，想的东西也特别多，所以真的不能完全把想出的每一部分都一一写下。你看，都过了差不多2个星期了，我也算过得还好了。挂念着过去的美好时光，笑一笑，开心曾今拥有的那一时，该时候往前看了。今年的生日，恐怕也又再没得和你过了，至少和你拍了张生日照片吧呵呵。。。真的想对你说的话还有蛮多的，但有缘再和你一起慢慢聊吧。永远都还是个好朋友 :)

Look who is breaking their promise LOL

Well, someone said that they would be more active in writing blog posts but obviously someone lied LOL. Now that I''m back in here typing my heart away, obviously means that I have something to say.. well not really to be honest, just kinda came here to type, senselessly... Typing without limitations is definitely fun.

I recently just finished reading Yee Pei's wordpress (equivalent of her blog) and I seriously admire her for having the determination to update her blog often. Plus, with pictures. I used to do that long time ago, but uploading pictures and positioning them was a bit of a pain as time went by few years ago, so I think I just gave that part of blogging up. Instead, most of the pictures are either on Facebook, Instagram, or my trusty hard drive. Sometimes, I do reconsider putting my photos back on blogger but laziness just takes over. Plus, my chapter in Dublin has come to an end, so my life back here is boring and basically a routine. So, technically there really isn't much to photograph about. I'm tired enough living this life, no way I would document this dull everyday life. Also, something that I noticed from her word press is her words are powerful enough to touch every reader, well at least she gets to me. I read back at mine and sure it does bring back memories which is great and all, but it doesn't really touch the readers (if anyone is even reading any of this shiz).  There goes a much better blogger.

One thing that triggered me to write this blog post was the part where she met up with Brandon over the summer and there was a short introduction about how they met (it was in Prague through me) and they never stopped talking through whatsapp from that day onwards. That got me thinking, I never actually have a friend that I continuously talked to for the past few years. Maybe my gf yes but not like friends. Sure people say that I am sociable and I have loads of friends yes, but do I truly have like a super best friend or just someone that I constantly talk to? I honestly don't think so. My social circle just restarts every time a milestone in life is achieved. I move around so much that I don't even contact the old friends, only from time to time, but there just isn't any like constant communication going on. I mean it is nice to have a lot of friends and being able to mix in with almost everyone, but it sure is nice to have a group of friends that you grow up with since young and that you are really close to that person. If only I had that someone :( I definitely have met a lot of great friends throughout my life that helped me in my life and I'm really grateful, but for some reason they tend to come and go alot.. It might be me, I don't know. Yeah, but it feels good to bring them together hue hue hue.

In other news, nothing much has happened really. Same old same old going to hospitals and going to class. I just finished my ophthalmology and ENT rotation and that was pretty fun. It was nice to be able to focus on a system alone, although I got like really lazy halfway through, I'm still enjoying this part of it. Abigail and I are doing fine as well, although we have a bit of trouble trying to arrange a time to meet up during December. We both don't have much time for the December breaks and I also wanna make time to travel with my family. In June my family wanted to go travel but I wasn't free as I booked those dates to go to Singapore instead so this time I feel obliged to let them decide first. So there's that, will be updated. Also, I was supposed to go to Lenggong for a MyOHUN camp but suddenly PMC had no more transports available to bring us there, so there was a problem lel. They literally just told me now and airplane tickets cost a bomb now, so I guess I will be spending my Awal Muharam weekend in Penang then :/ Haven't went home for a couple of months now, just need to wait for a while more then.. Loads of presentations have passed and luckily I just have to focus on getting my mood to study back now haha! I think thats about it for now, although my family and I did went to Hatyai for my birthday, I think I will write another one for that :/

Love you peeps and thank you for continuing to read!

August has dawned upon us.

I know i know, updating a blog seems to be quite a task nowadays. Since someone is pushing me to update I might as well do hehe... Its already August and I'm officially a 4th year medical student. Got the results for the exams that I took at the end of the 3rd year, and I have to say they were pretty decent actually haha! Nothing too bad and like out of the ordinary. Knew I wouldn't score so well for Medicine anyway pshh..

Since 4th year started, I've realized like a distinct difference between the me now and the me last sem. I tend to do more reading then I would have done, although I have to admit it is still lacking. There are alot of basic stuff that I was supposed to know, but somehow I just can't seem to remember them, only bits and pieces of everything. So, will definitely have to work harder at that point. Housemate updates! Well Mun Hon is studying really hard now due to the 2 week rotations of Medicine. Its like everytime he is back, his head will be in the books HAHA! Well, lets not forget him reading bout the Bible as well, so more and more reading. I am definitely not as hardcore as that, DOTA is still going on in my life especially now that TI season is here. Contemplating on buying the Rubick arcana if he wins, cause you know, if i buy means I wanna play more, which I am not sure if I have the time for... But we will see.. Denzel and David are in the ENT and Ophthalmology rotation now so that's like super easy for them anyway. So yeah, everyone in this house has gone abit serious on studies. I dunno, I might be the last one to be serious HAHA..

Abigail wise, she made a surprise visit to Penang with her mum and Abielle for a good 2 days. It was definitely a short visit and I wish she could have stayed longer but unfortunately it wasn't exactly possible. The 2 weeks we spent together was heavenly definitely. Met each others parents... Then I really got to thinking, this is going to go on for another 5-6 years at least. Everything in the future is so uncertain its quite hard to promise anything at this point. I wanna keep this going as long as possible but sometimes it just seems really hard. I don't really show that part cause I prefer to be the stronger one but too much thinking hurts the soul sometimes. Owh well, I guess I'm happy I have good friends to help me along the way :p. To say I'm lonely here, nah definitely not, but definitely not that happy I guess... Feels like sometimes I'm lacking someone to truly talk to like face to face. Abigail is only a skype call away I know, but sometimes it just feels different. Hmm, I dunno lel. Thinking too much again. Anyway, hope everything can still go on strong as ever. December will definitely be the next challenge :/

Jason and I are getting closer now thanks to us both being in Badminton Club's committee! Its been a blast so far in that club cause at least I can promise myself to be active for at least once a week lel. The sweating feels are definitely amazing. The RCSI bunch are always fun to hang out with sometimes. I just can't wait till Brendon, Kisho and Andrew come back for real. LIKE PLEASE FASTER LA AND DON'T YOU GUYS DARE NOT COME BACK.

I guess thats all for now, I can't think of anything else more to update :P Till next time, love you guys :)

Month of realization

May is coming to an end and I am officially a 4th year student now. We had 2 final written exam papers and an OSCE to close out this amazing 3rd year. Looking back at these 4 months, I am quite happy with what I achieved although I could have done way better. Lets focus on academics first before we explore other parts of my life.

Academics have been a constant roller coaster for me. Everything I think I know enough, out comes more things to further bamboozle me. Surgery rotation was fairly straight forward for me. The signs are there, diagnose based on history and signs, straightforward. Pain here, should be this this this., pain there with this characteristics, lessen the chance of some ddx. It was a really tiring rotation for me though, 5 BSTs each week. Plus, the first rotation was when everyone at home was still hyped to leave the house at 6.30am to avoid the 'jam' at Jalan Gottlieb.which I soon find out its not that bad and you just add like a good 5 minutes to your trip lol. Plus, all this can be skipped if you go through Jalan Burma there. Owh well, you learn things anyway. I got a OK result (personal standards) of 60 for Surgery long case which I was happy with. After all that business, it was really weird going to family medicine which comprises of almost nothing.. You really don't need to do alot of stuff. There is just a house visit, and reading about cases you see in the GP or KK. This light workload infected me as I began to slack and really do nothing much. I just kinda slacked off alot. Did well for the case review with Dr.Chean and I really have to thank her as she was so nice!!! However, I did screw up on my video taking assessment. I didn't get to close the session as 5 minutes just passed by like that, plus the patient's (actress) speech speed did not help at all lol. After that, it was back to clerking in wards and aiming for them 10 cases for Medicine. I realized I lost abit of my history taking skills and examination skills. So I tried taking it seriously. That only lasted for a week. I burned out. I honestly did. There were loads of factors to that, but that's another story. Basically, I kinda lost touch with studies, tried but just had no mood, had really really frequent mood swings, plus was starting to feel abit anti-social. I just didn't wanna talk to anyone, just wanna think by myself, which is exactly what I will do when I get home for this month. I really need to orientate myself before the next semester to prevent another meltdown. In the end, I didn't score as well as I thought I would in the long case examination - 55. Alex and Rachel did cheer me up a bit. I mean the result was average. Basically, you met everything, but no exceeds. I guess I would have been fine with the result if I didn't stay with absolute geniuses. One of them scored 70 and another got 75. I was really unhappy that day. I clerked, presented with confidence, only to find out the diagnosis was based on a single sign that I did not pick up hence, the diagnosis was way off. Although, since I'm here at this topic, would like to thank Prof.Yeow as well, cause without her I wouldn't have learned so much, just you know, sad it had to happen during a long case examination. Final examinations were fine for surgery but terrible for medicine. By that time, I was yearning for it to be over already that I couldn't really focus. Slept for the first third of the exam and then realize I only know half the paper LOL. Yeah, but that final paper was only 5 marks for the final year anyway, so I didn't really care about it that much. It just shows how much I still need to know. Basically, I could have worked harder for this semester and I know that, but more will be explained on the next few segments.

Next, and probably the most important, psychologically. This aspect was where I realized the most things while I was having my burnout. Firstly, I'm pretty sure everyone notices this. I am quite an emotional person. My emotions can run free and are easily influenced by everyone around me. If I don't like someone, I show it, and I bet that person can feel it. It's like the most obvious thing in the world lol. So yeah, during this past month, I realized I get way too worked up on how people around me act. I get influenced way too easily. I realized that I need to stop sulking or complaining about how people act. I need to accept people for who they are, and not sulk about them. Even if I were to sulk, its better to tell them up front about it then keep everything in me. Although I know sometimes its a lost cause, so there really isn't any point in telling them. I know I'm not the easiest person to be friends with as well due to my constant mood swings and sometimes-overly-harsh-comments. Let's not forget my ego which I'm still still learning to keep check off lol. This is exactly why I say I still need to work on my social skills. I can hurt people with my words very easily without knowing it. So, still learning hehe. Also, the rise of depression cases are kinda taking a toll on me i guess. I myself have no problem with depression, but its more of the friends around me. Everyone seems to be getting hit quite hard. 2 things I've noticed about it is the incidence on women are like way way up there compared to guys, and family plays a big role in depression. For the women stat, I really don't know why but thats just the way it is, at least that's whats happening around me. Family wise, I just kinda think some people weren't meant to have a family. A family's upbringing sets the children for life. Is it the asian attitude? Is it the hard way of showing love that screws it up? I don't know. I tried talking to some of my friends and I am so grateful that they opened up to me, but they are on the verge of giving up trying to feel better. Counselling only works to a certain extent, being in medical school taught me that meds don't exactly help, and the support that they dearly need is hard to come by. Everyone is too busy with their own lives that no one stops to notice these small little cries for help. I don't blame them, we scroll through our own FB page and sometimes we dismiss all these as "attention-seekers". What if these attentions are worth giving compared to some influencers on instagram or the Internet. I'm not saying we should pay every attention we have on all these small statuses and what the internet influencers are doing are wrong, but it doesn't help to stop and talk from time to time. Just give some time for them, it won't hurt. Although, you have to be careful of it as well. I had a few moments of downness from empathizing too much with my friends. You just feel helpless like there really isn't much you can do. I would just do as much as I can as a friend, cheer them up when they need it, and leave the rest to themselves and the professionals. It just angers and surprises me that this issue is still getting so little attention. No one cares, they all say. This "depression is just a phase thing" is a thinking within the Asian community that really needs to change, like it is annoying for me. I just hope someone picks this up and it inspires anyone reading this to look out for your friends around you. I just hope to raise a lil bit of awareness around the world!

Owh, and for my relationship status, yes everything is still going well with me and Abigail! We don't skype as often as everyone thinks maybe cause the timing is really just not right, but we text each other everyday and you know, all is well! We love each other and we will see each other really soon! Love you if you are reading this Abby!! (Less than 3, (coding issues hard to put the real thing lol)

So, I shall end this post with some hope that my next semester will be much more smoother and everything can go my way xD Will wanna come home more often cause you know home is amazing and yeah, till next time peeps :)