Faith

I don't do this often anymore. The last few entries are more like footnotes on my HO path for the past 2 years, but I don't think I've dedicated a specific post to like my thoughts in a while. If anyone is expecting a new issue to be tackled, I don't think you know me enough lol. Obviously, it's going to be about what is written on the bloody title HAHA. If anyone has even been following my progress in life, you would know that religion played a big role in my life. This statement, by no means that I'm a religious person LOL.

A short view back into the past, my previous long term serious relationship was with Abigail, which spanned 4 years plus. As you may already know, it ended mutually (well at least to us it is mutual lol) because I just couldn't bear the thought of her constantly having the idea of wanting me to convert to Christianity even if we do get married in the future. With the pressure from the churchgoers and my mind just constantly fighting the very idea of Christianity, it was too tough. We were 24 then, was it too soon to break up just because of the future? Some say it was stupid, some say it was better to break it off early (although I'm not sure 4 years fit the criteria for early) and not to waste each other's time anymore (which was the thought of that time), hence the decision to mutually end things right after we just graduated. 

Now, here I am dating Farzainin that I met back in November/December last year in Medical. To be honest, things were great from the get-go like it was always fun to work with her and just you know, hang. The problem is, I live in Malaysia, where again religious issues will step in again whenever you date a Malay girl. The few people that I told this to pretty much gave me the same reaction haha as expected. The thing is back in June when the flirting was building up, I constantly asked myself what are you doing. Like honestly, what are you doing. I know previously I said that I would just let it happen if it happens, cause I'm not actually actively searching for any relationship. Now, it has happened, and it feels great once again, although there is that neverending crippling fact at the end of the line, what will be the endgame? Marriage would be nearly impossible unless some miracle happens. How do you decide, do you live in the moment or do you constantly plan for the future and not waste time.

Recently, I was watching the Da Vinci Code trilogy on Netflix, and one quote from Angels and Demons stuck with me for the longest time. It was when Camerlengo (btw, SUPER HYPED when I saw it was Ewan McGregor) was asking Prof Langdon if he believed in God, and I have to say he gave the most classy and perfect answer there it: "Faith is a gift I have yet to receive". From all my discussions with Hon, David, Abby, Cindy, about the whole idea and concept of Christianity, I realize the main difference between all of us was just faith. The fact that I did not have faith in religion and the whole basis of it is why the answers to most of my questions were not enough for me. It's the lack of faith. The whole concept of join us or rot in hell still seems so medieval to me. Basically, it's an exclusive club that you sell your rights to believe in anything else if you think about it.

I think I'm gonna stop here for now before I offend people based on my views on religion lol. Don't get me wrong, all religions are good in their own ways, they act as a moral compass for their believers (the majority of the believers anyway, excluding the extreme ones). Like I definitely think it helps as emotional support during hard times, like I prayed prior to competitions when I get severe stomach aches and all, there is this sort of calmness that soothes over your body. Just please, stop trying to convert people or force views on other people. It just gets really really annoying. No doubt I have a sort of love-hate relationship with religion in general right now. 

Whatever it is, don't ever say that religion is what unites people, cause from my short 26 years of life experience, wars, terror attacks, and acts of violence have been committed under the name of religion, no matter which. Even in my relationships, religion didn't exactly have a good track record. Then again, could just be me always looking for trouble LOL. But hey, I said it before, if it happens, it happens.

Honestly, though, I hate myself for my thoughts. For the past few years, I think I hated my mind even more. Was it really that important to do the right thing, the so-called mature thing? Wouldn't it have been better for me if I thought less about this serious stuff and just live in the moment and enjoy everything while it lasted? What's with my mind being so serious and so realistic that I have to get everything sort of planned out for what's best for everybody. In my mind, it may be the best for everyone but is it really? I might be unconsciously the most selfish person. I don't even get my logic anymore and I'm just bang on ranting at this point.

 Tomorrow will be our first date? Well, officially the first date excluding all the Zoom ones haha and we shall see how it goes. Meanwhile, just stay safe everyone and I'll see ya guys real soon :)